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Come to the Dork Side : My Thoughts about The Empire Strikes Back

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Well, this is long overdue. I’ve been promising my good friend and Jedi Master Tovor, since I first watched the Star Wars series about a year and a half ago, that I would post my thoughts and observations about these movies as seen through the eyes of a Star Wars newbie. Well…..let’s just say that I suffer from an combination of extreme procrastination as well as have the attention span of a hyperactive gnat and leave it at that!

So with that, let’s get started with my Top 10 Observations of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

1. As we start off on the icy planet of Hoth, I take away the gentle reminder that it’s always wise to dress properly and wear a warm coat when venturing out into a blizzard because I might not be so lucky as to find tauntaun carcass to crawl into if I start to feel a bit chilly.

2. Doesn’t the Wampa look an awful lot like Bumbles, the Abominable Snowmonster from “Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reigndeer”. I smell some copyright infringement going on right there! George have some SPLAININ' to do!!

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3.So Princess Leia would rather kiss a wookie than Han Solo? Oh really? I bet no one realized that the princess had a bit of a beastiality streak there, huh? Kinky little thing, isn’t she? Perhaps she enjoyed being chained up by Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi afterall!

4. Speaking of Chewbacca, I must give credit to George Lucas for his foresight to be the first to include Wookies in a major motion picture. Somehow I just don’t think they would have fit in as well in Citizen Kane or Gone With the Wind. I believe the line “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!” would not have had quite the flair and panache it did if it were spoken in Wookie. I could be wrong….but that is just the feeling I have.

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5.In this episode, we are introduced to two new characters. The first one is Yoda. How can you not love a wise, almost 900 year old Muppet? (And everyone thought Statler and Waldorf were the only ones representing the senior set in Jim Henson’s arsenal of Muppets).

6.One of the best known quotes from this movie was this Yoda-ism (as I call them) “Do or do not. There is no try.” It doesn’t get much more simple and direct than this, now does it! Either something is done or its not. Black or white. No room for gray area. Ah, Yoda, if life were truly only that simple! But you gotta hand it to him. Yoda can see straight to the heart of a situation and cut through the bologna and BS like a lightsaber cuts off Luke’s right hand. (What…too soon?)

7.Now Yoda’s job is not just to dispense his deep Yoda-isms. He is there to teach the young Jedi Knight, Luke Skywalker, how to use the Force. You know something? The Force is pretty freakin cool! I think I wanna learn how to use the Force, too, for a couple of reasons. First, of course it would be nice to have some powerful source of strength and goodness at my disposable to do good for the world. However, I also think it would come in REAL handy for me when I go grocery shopping, especially during my feeble attempts to reach down items from high shelves that are just beyond my reach. Why oh WHY am I just so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

8. Now the second new character we were introduced to was Lando Calrissian. His presence wasn’t so much to bring balance to the force, but rather some balance to an otherwise predominantly white cast....except for C3PO and R2D2, of course. R2D2 did have some blue mixed in with his white. So George Lucas not only cast the first Wookie in a movie, but also the first bi-racial droid! Was this man ahead of his time or what?

9.In this movie we were also introduced to carbonite. I’m really surprised that scientists didn’t pursue the versatility of carbonite after seeing just how effective it was to freeze Han Solo as solid as an ice cream cake you forgot to thaw out until 5 minutes before your five year old’s birthday party (and that is PRETTY solid!) I mean does carbonite work better than a Ziploc freezer bag for maintaining freshness and less freezer burn? Could it be an alternative to Botox? The world may never know.

10. And finally….just as Han Solo is about to be submerged in the carbonite and frozen for an indefinite period of time, Princess Leia finally admits her feelings and says “I love you” to him. And what does he reply????? “I know”. I KNOW?!?!?!? REALLY Han Solo?? What the heck kinda guy answer is THAT!?!? No wonder Leia was comtemplating some tonsil hockey with Chewbacca.

So there ya have it! Until next time…May the Force be with you!

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  1. Javen's Avatar
    Funny and educating write up. As for #10 there is a reason Han says"I know" I'll let Tovor explain it.
  2. Tovor's Avatar
    Well done my young padawan. Both interesting and funny too.
  3. Tovor's Avatar
    Javen is correct. Han's "I know" was not in the original script. Han was originally supposed to say "I love you too" or "So do I" or something to that effect but Harrison Ford insisted that that was out of character for Solo and that he was more likely to say something sarcastic after having told her throughout the movie that she had hidden feelings toward him. So it was Ford who suggested the "I know" response. Leia got him back in the next film with her response to him there though.