G-rated, Deathless Versions Of Star Wars

[Tovor]

Does anybody remember the cartoon G.I. Joe? It had fun stories and characters and cool plane, ship, and vehicle designs, and neat battles. It was good for kids in that it didn't have gratuitous violence or violent deaths, or any deaths, although that was lame in itself. Every show had a big battle and no one ever died. Pilots parachuted out of exploding planes, men ran out of bombed tanks just before they blew up, anybody who was shot at surrendered without getting shot, and Cobra Commander always carried out attacks which caused a lot of destruction but never seemed to take any victims. If 100 planes were shot out of the sky, 100 unhurt pilots jumped out in the nick of time with parachutes. It was unrealistic, but good for kids I guess, and still funny to watch.

I can imagine if Star Wars was filmed in that comical manner. None of Leia's people died because they were all on vacation when Alderaan was destroyed. The rebels on the blockade runner all surrendered when the Stormtroopers overcame them. Vader didn't strangle the officer, he slapped him and said mean things to him. Leia didn't shoot and kill the stormtrooper, she scared him with her gun so he ran away. Han didn't kill Greedo, he threw his plate of lemon merange pie in his face and ran out the back door. And of course, just before the Death Star exploded, a million life pods took off in all directions. LOL.

Alright, what is the meaning of this meaningless thread? To have fun, an outcome with meaning. Think of all the deaths throughout all of the Star Wars films, choose some, and translate them to G-rated deathless outcomes for a new version where death scenes are unheard of.

In ANH, Ben and Luke found the trashed Jawa Sandcrawler on their way to Anchorhead. Luke saw the Bantha tracks and assumed that the adolescant Tusken Raiders had vandalized the vehicle. The unhurt Jawas were bustling about picking up their litter from the ground and washing the graffiti from the sides of the crawler.
The graffiti said, "Don't do business with these Jawas...they stink and root for the visiting team."
Ben told Luke, "Sandpeople don't have handwriting as neat as that. Only Imperial Stormtroopes are that precise."
Luke looked at the droids and realized that the Stormtroopers had tracked who they were sold to, and rushed home.
The Lars homestead was ransacked and litter was everywhere. Graffiti on the walls announced that the Lars were messy neighbors and lousy dancers and shouldn't be invited to any neighborhood barbecues because they never returned borrowed power tools. Luke saw Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru standing outside their defiled home, holding hands and crying. Beru told Luke, "We're the laughing stock of the town now and nobody trusts us after what the Empire said about us. Your uncle and I are fed up with this frontier life. Where are those droids Uncle bought yesterday? We need to sell them so we can buy tickets to Miami and retire."

In ROTJ, when the Imperial Biker Scout crashed into a tree during his chase with Luke and Leia and his bike exploded, Smokey the Bear showed up and told the shaken Imperial when he got to his feet undead and unhurt,
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Only YOU can prevent forest fires."

[Justin]

And I guess Darth Vader would have only knocked Luke's lightsaber out of his hand, right?

[Tovor]

Right, now you're catching on. He told Luke, "If you're going to hold it like a pansy you don't deserve to have a lightsaber", and slapped it out of his hand. Luke began to cry over his lost lightsaber and clung to the side of the thingy-ma-bob he was on, wailing "No, that's impossible! That was my favorite saber! You're not a nice person!"

[Jacen Solo]

Suppose the rancor only tried to lick Luke's face like a little puppy.

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[Rogue_0009]

<span style="color:silver">All the trade federation droids would have run in fear of Jar-Jar in TPM.</span>

[Momin327]

And Jango simply runs away in fear of Mace Windu.

[RollaFett]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>Han didn't kill Greedo, he threw his plate of lemon merange pie in his face and ran out the back door. [/b][/quote]

Heh, heh, and he could still throw the bartender money and apologize for the mess!

How about having Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan slicing and dicing a bunch of lifeless droids instead of living people? Oh wait, that was what happened. :whatsthat: Rats! I'm no good at this game.

[James]

When Han went down the carbon freezing chamber, he wasn't carbonised, the machine just didn't work

[Momin327]

And Leia never kills Jabba. She simply tells him to release her or else she'll choke him, and he does.

[RollaFett]

Looks like I'm not the only one who stinks at this game, huh? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

[Darth Vegas]

The Rebels did not deystroy the Death Stars, they simply put a cork in the main weapon erray. When both Death Stars fired, the force pushed the cork out, and rocketed the Space Station far away........................

[Darth Vegas]

Obi-Wan didn'tcut Maul in half, he tickled him until he pissed his pants, and rushed quickly to help his Master who's shoe laces were tied together.

[Krogenar]

LUKE: Why would Imperial troops want to tie up Jawas?

Luke looks back at the speeder where Artoo and Threepio are inspecting the scared Jawas, and put two and two together.

LUKE: If they traced the robots here, they may have learned who they sold them to. And that would lead them ... home!

Luke reaches a sudden horrible realization, then races for the speeder and jumps it.

BEN: Wait, Luke! It's too dangerous. And who cares, really?

Luke races off leaving Ben and the two robots alone with the badly banged-up Sandcrawler.

EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- WASTELAND.

Luke races across the wasteland in his battered Landspeeder.

EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- LARS HOMESTEAD.

The speeder roars up to the burning homestead. Luke jumps out and runs to the smoking barbecue pits just outside his home. Debris is scattered everywhere, crumpled up beer cans, chicken wings, and spilled drops of BBQ sauce. It looks as if a great party has taken place.

LUKE: Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru! Uncle Owen!

Luke stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly he comes upon them, passed out drunk. A refrigerator lies on its side, its door hanging open, the interior is empty. He is stunned, and cannot speak. Hate replaces fear and a new resolve comes over him.

[Momin327]

Dack doesn't die either. He gets a little burn when the AT-AT hits the speeder, and manages to get out from the speeder before the AT-AT steps on it.

[X-3PO]

Shmi Skywalker doesn't die, and Anakin and the Tusken Raiders come to an agrement that it was all just a big misunderstanding, the Tuskens thought she was supposed to jump out of Ur'Urh'Ur's birthday cake.

[Darth Vegas]

Imperial Walkers tended to skip accross the snow, and sometimes make snow angels.

Luke didn't kill the Rancor, he sang him a lullaby and the Rancor fell asleep.

The Jedi in the arena didn't die of blaster fire, the droids used paint ball guns, falling down was just part of the game.

The Acklay beast had a keen liking for classic literature.

Obi-Wan actually fought in the "Clown Wars" not the Clone Wars.

Slave 1 didn't carry seismic charges, but instead giant water balloons.

[Jacen Solo]

The Sarlacc wasn't an intensely gross monster ... it was an amusement park ride. Boba Fett is still somewhere out there ...

[Momin327]

All the podracers who died actually finished in places 3 and below.

[Tovor]

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[Obidobi]

Vader didn't actually throw the Emperor into the core at the deathstar.

He threw him into a pool, and since the Emperor didn't know how to swim, he promised to stop terrorizing the galaxy and retire and leave for Yoda's small hut on Dagobah if someone rescued him..... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rolleyes.gif

[Tovor]

Heh heh!

[Anguirus111]

Originally posted by TK-007@Nov 18 2002, 06:18 AM
The Rebels did not deystroy the Death Stars, they simply put a cork in the main weapon erray. When both Death Stars fired, the force pushed the cork out, and rocketed the Space Station far away........................
I was thinking more along the lines of the Death Star de-inflating like a balloon like it did on one of the Lucasarts intro logos in one of the games. I think it was X-Wing.

[Tovor]

That's funny, deinflating and shooting off into far space by the escaping air. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Gazelle]

Instead of strangling Jabba with his own chain, Leia slaps him across the cheek and he bursts into tears and, weeping uncontrollably, promises never to do it again.

As Leia squirms in emotional agony as Alderaan is being fired upon, just at the last minute a team of cameramen and boom mics coming rushing out, to announce that its all been part of "Fear Factor."

As Ben Kenobi is making his way back to the Millenium Falcon on the Death Star, he is suddenly confronted by Darth Vader, sat astride a small table upon which is a game of snakes and ladders. "When I left you I was but the learner, now I am the master."

Instead of choking Captain Antilles on the Tantive IV, Vader hears that they are on a diplomatic mission and promptly apologises, producing a wad of notes (as Superman II) and says, "I'm terribly sorry for all the damage, sir." The Imperials leave, ashamed and embarrassed.

[Gazelle]

"Master Yoda, you can't die" Well, instead of dying Yoda decides he's had enough of the current scenario and he's going to retire with Fozzie to California.

Alternatively, just before he dies he says "Now don't you worry Luke. I've had a great innings, have thoroughly enjoyed my life and everything is in order. If I just happened to die today, well that would be just perfect, really. I'll be upset if I don't."

Oh yes, and in TPM Nute Gunray is not horribly killed but rather just has his trading license taken away and has to go back to the Senate to "explain all this...." Oh, sorry, that's what really happened...

[Tovor]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>As Ben Kenobi is making his way back to the Millenium Falcon on the Death Star, he is suddenly confronted by Darth Vader, sat astride a small table upon which is a game of snakes and ladders. "When I left you I was but the learner, now I am the master."[/b][/quote]
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[Tovor]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/banghead.gif
Bumping this for the sake of all mankind. Or something like that. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Darth Vegas]

Here's something I havn't seen in a while....

Instead of becoming Darth Vader and falling in a pit of molten lava, young Anakin would learn his lesson by burning his hand on the kitchen stove.

[Tovor]

Well of course, so instead of being famous for his black suit and gloves, Vader's signature garmentry will be a baker's apron and oven mits.

[Leia]

Originally posted by Tovor@Nov 15 2002, 04:07 AM
He told Luke, "If you're going to hold it like a pansy you don't deserve to have a lightsaber", and slapped it out of his hand.
Would you be allowed to call someone a pansy in a G-rated film? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/huh.gif

[Tovor]

Good point, maybe it'll slip past the censorship board of prudes.

[Leia]

heh heh

[Jabba the Hutt on a tricycle]

The AT-ST walker that get's squashed by the trees on Endor explodes but the driver and gunner climb out of the wreckage:

Just like in the A-Team where a car may get riddled with bullets, hit another car and flip over and roll on the ground, you always see the two bad guys climbing out.

Man! The hardcore mercs like the A-Team they never managed to shoot anyone with all that firepower style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hehe.gif

[Momin327]

Or when Luke throws the skull to close the door in the Rancor pit, the door closes, but it doesn't crush the Rancor's head.

[frootylupes]

are you kidding me?? lmao!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Javen]

Leia wears a robe and bunny shoes instead of a metal bikini.

[frootylupes]

what if vader got himself a inhaler to cure that asthma he got going?

[Tovor]

Originally posted by TK-007@Nov 18 2002, 06:22 AM
Obi-Wan didn'tcut Maul in half, he tickled him until he pissed his pants, and rushed quickly to help his Master who's shoe laces were tied together.
But how did Maul manage to tie Jinn's laces together in the midst of a saber duel? He suddenly pointed overhead and yelled, "You're forgetting one thing, what the hell is that?" And while Jinn looked up in all angles for what Maul was on about, Maul dropped to his knees and tied the laces together. When Jinn realized there was nothing up there to see, he tried to pursue Maul again and tripped. Obi-Wan screamed "Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! You've been made into a buffoon! Get up before you give us all a bad name!"

[Tovor]

In the 2nd Death Star, the Emperor did not try to get Luke to kill Vader, he told him instead,
"How many birthdays did he remember? How many times did he take you to the backyard and show you how to catch a ball? Did he teach you to drive your first landspeeder, repair your first droid? Young fool, only now at the end to you understand...your feeble misguided love is no match for the lack of interest he's shown in you previously. Forget that fool excuse for a dad...join me and I'll be a better dad to you anyday."

Luke contemplates that for a moment. Palpatine added, "And was he around to teach you the ropes when you kissed your first girl? Of course not, and we know the outcome of that little crush, don't we?"

[frootylupes]

what if han wasnt frozen in carbonite, but rather had his mouth washed out with soap and had to stand in the corner?

[Darth Vegas]

Originally posted by Tovor@Feb 3 2004, 07:58 AM
But how did Maul manage to tie Jinn's laces together in the midst of a saber duel?
He used the Force.

EDIT: Your version was WAAAAY better! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Tovor]

Heh heh. You wrote the story, I just embelished on the screenplay! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[Gazelle]

This is a great thread but I have a small complaint.

I spent literally minutes coming up with my suggestions and nobody even read them.

*picks up his bag and walks away in a sulk, Tusken Raiders following him firing water pistols at him*

[Tovor]

Originally posted by Gazelle@Oct 6 2003, 10:18 PM
"Master Yoda, you can't die" Well, instead of dying Yoda decides he's had enough of the current scenario and he's going to retire with Fozzie to California.

Alternatively, just before he dies he says "Now don't you worry Luke. I've had a great innings, have thoroughly enjoyed my life and everything is in order. If I just happened to die today, well that would be just perfect, really. I'll be upset if I don't."

Oh yes, and in TPM Nute Gunray is not horribly killed but rather just has his trading license taken away and has to go back to the Senate to "explain all this...." Oh, sorry, that's what really happened...
Don't be sad, Gazelle. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/crying.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

You got it wrong, Yoda would not retire in California, he'd retire in Miami. According to Mel Brookes Yoda is yiddish, so where else would a Jewish Jedi retire but Miami? Or Boca Raton style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[Anguirus111]

Darth Vader strikes at Obi-Wan's robes and they crumple to the ground as feathers go flying everywhere. Turns out Obi-Wan ran off and left a dupe dummy in his place.

Luke lets a still living Anakin Skywalker off at a retirement home before burning his suit.

The droids in the arena battle scene are destroyed, they just run out of power and fall over(you know TV won't let people see droids damaged)

Instead of working on fixing his tow cable, Dack accidentally activates the ejector seat and goes flying off before the laser blast strikes the snowspeeder.

The Jedi who attacked Dooku(forgot his name) is hit by Jango Fett's dreaded rubber band gun and falls off the edge of the balcony only to land on his feet on the arena's surface with no broken bones and continues the fight.

[blacksaber]

What if they made starwars a musical??? Episode 1 song 1

Leia: In a hearty bass voice, "oh no we are beset by the emperials"

C3PO: "Heavens, Heavens"

Leia: "The tractor beam has got us"

C3PO: "Heavens, Heavens"

Stormtrooper 1: "Let us in rebels now

Background stormtroopers: "now, now"

Stormtrooper 1: Die rebel scum!

Background stormtroopers: "die, die"

Rebel trooper: "Zounds he got my hand, ouch ouch"

Vader: "Where are the plans rebel scum rebel scum?"

[blacksaber]

instead of vader cutting off luke's hand he slaps it with his glove. bad boy luke, i told you not to fight me! I am your father! But father, i never got an allowance that's why i turned out bad *sniff sniff* sorry son. they walk arm in arm out of the deathstar

[Tovor]

A bump for more laughs.

[Tovor]

*buMpeRumper*

[Sluggo]

The cantina would be filled with smurfs, my little ponys, care bears and, uh, ewoks.