The Really Lame Joke Joint

[Tovor]

Things Yoda Says Before, During, and After, You Know, Romantic Interludes:

"Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!"
"Nerrrm. Put a shield on my sabre, I must."
"Feel the force!"
"Foreplay, cuddling: a Jedi craves not these things."
"Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I will!"
"Early must I rise. Leave now, you shall!"
"Happens to every guy sometimes, this does."
"When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
"Ow, ow, OW! On my ear, you are!"
"Who's the Jedi Master? Who's the Jedi Master!?!"

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Grand Master of Tales
ToVoR
Member
Joined: March 2002
Posted: May 07 2002 - 12:16 *

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''

The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''

The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''

She says, ''That's not creative.''

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone......cheese mine.''

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catwmnjedi
Obi-Wan's Love Slave
Member
Joined: March 2002
Posted: May 07 2002 - 12:33 *

LOL Tov, "Who's the Jedi Master?" *Of course, I'm not thinking of Yoda saying that... hehe.

My daughter's into telling me blonde jokes (neither of us is, so we laugh)... here goes:

A brunette was making a pilgrimage to the top of a mountain to seek the meaning of life. *Near the top, a booming voice said, "Tell me your most redeeming quality, and I'll give you the knowledge you seek. But be careful... you must be honest."

The brunette thought for a moment and said, "I think I'm beautiful." *Well, she wasn't exactly Natalie Portman, so POOF!! She disappeared.

Awhile later a redhead came by on the same quest. *"I think I'm a fun person to be around." *Well, she forgot those times of the month when she wasn't so fun, so POOF!! She disappeared.

Next came a blonde. *"I think...."

And POOF!!! She disappeared!

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-- Cat *
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Seanakin
Confined to the System
Member
Joined: March 2002
*Posted: May 07 2002 - 01:00 *

I've one, but you need to know Latin and the Pater Noster in order to get it.

Picture Bill Gates kneeling at his bedside at night, a la the Dennis the Menace or Family Circus cartoons, and he's reciting the last line of the Our Father:

"...but deliver us from the Apple, AMEN."

Hey, I think it's truly lame, at least.

Ooh, another one, one for all the Greenies:

God decides to send His divine assistance down to Earth to visit none other than Jerry Seinfeld. *As he opens up the door and stares at the heavenly form, he exclaims, "Hello, NUMEN."

(Inspired by the Colorado State Motto of "Nil Sine Numine.")

Hmmmm, I should send those to my old Latin teacher.

Thank you, Volks, I'm here til the bitter end....


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Redsabre
Guitarist Americanus
Member
Joined: April 2002
Posted: May 07 2002 - 3:40 *

This is a top ten style list I threw together a while back . . .
From the home office in Austin,Texas....

The top ten legacies of the Clinton Administration!

10) Statue of Liberty now models items from the latest
Victoria's Secret catalogue.

9) DuPont Stainmaster carpeting installed throughout the *White House.

8) Al Gore finally learning about the "birds and the bees."

7) White House Gift Shop now stocks adult videos, toys and intimate apparel.

6) Contractors working round the clock to make every corridor windowless.

5) Linda Lovelace's face replaces Ben Franklin's on the $100 bill.

4) White House switchboard operators no longer block access to "900" numbers.

3) Lincoln Bedroom redecorated with snazzy mirrored wallpaper.

2) Hilary Clinton and Lorena Bobitt become the best of friends.

And the number one legacy of Bill Clinton's Presidency...

1) Ted Kennedy's restored self-esteem!

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Redsabre
Guitarist Americanus
Member
Joined: April 2002
*Posted: May 07 2002 - 4:46 *

This is one my dad used to tell me, about the importance of telling the truth.

One afternoon in the country, the farmer's four sons were bored, when one of them came up with the idea of tipping over the outhouse. The other three sons thought it might not be such a good idea, but they eventually went along, since it was going to be pretty easy to do. So they tipped over the outhouse, being pretty pleased with themselves for finding some way of dealing with the bordeom.

The next morning, the farmer wakes his sons up at 4:30 in the morning, telling them to get dressed in a hurry, he wants them all downstairs in 3 minutes or less. The kids get dressed, wondering what all the fuss is about. They go downstairs, and the farmer wags his finger at them to come outside . . . over to the overturned outhouse. The farmer starts ranting and raving at his sons, promising that whoever did this is going to be grounded for a month, after they get their hides tanned but good. Not surprisingly, none of the boys comes forward to admit to tipping over the outhouse.

The farmer decides to take a different approach, and tells them the famous story about George Washington and the cherry tree, ending it by saying " . . .and because George told the truth, his father decided NOT to punish him. Now boys, don't you think it would be better to come clean on this, now that you know how things went for the Father of our Country when he told the truth?"

So the oldest boy lowers his head and says "I'm sorry I lied to you, Father, I was the one who come up with the idea . . . I tipped over the outhouse."

Well, the farmer loses all self-control, and grabs the kid by the scruff of his neck and hauls him off in the direction of the woodshed, and all the other sons are wailing and crying, saying " But you said George Washington's father didn't punish him for telling the truth."

The farmer says "That's true enough, my boys, but George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree when it got chopped down."

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Kafer
Wossname
Member
Joined: May 2002
*Posted: May 07 2002 - 5:27 *

I love the Liver and Cheese one.
Let's see, do I know any clean Lame jokes.

My favorite blonde joke:

A Blonde is driving by a field. *She sees another Blonde in a row boat in the middle of the field, paddling as hard as she can. *The first Blonde, jumps out of her car, runs to the fence and yells, "It's because of Blondes like you that all us have a bad reputation. *And if I could swim....."

And my favorite joke, a riddle really, might be a bit too racy for a family board. *So I'll refrain.

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Seanakin
Confined to the System
Member
Joined: March 2002
Posted: May 07 2002 - 6:29 *

This blond swimmer had finally had it with constantly coming in last place every time she'd compete in the breast stroke. *So she launches a series of allegations that her opponents had been cheating.

Not able to resist such mud-slinging, the media climb aboard the story with full vigor. *So, when asked exactly how her competition was cheating to finish ahead of her she exclaimed "DUH....can't you see them using their arms?"

*Cue drum break*

RS, I believe that Linda Lovelace, at least in theory, is now eligible to appear on our currency, having read her obituary online somewhere recently. *

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Redsabre
Guitarist Americanus
Member
Joined: April 2002
*Posted: May 07 2002 - 10:47 *

Okay, here's a couple of golf jokes I heard a while back . . .

One gorgeous Sunday morning, The Lord and Moses decided to slip away for a round of golf. They're out there on the 7th tee, and The Lord hits a beautiful drive, about 220 yards down the fairway, but the ball takes a bounce and lands in the sand trap. The Lord asks Moses to hand Him His sand wedge, saying "Watch how I do this; this is exactly how Greg Norman plays this shot." Sure enough, The Lord chips the ball up and out of the bunker, the ball bounces onto the green and rolls as if it was on a string right into the cup.

A little later, The Lord and Moses are teeing off on the 10th hole . . . a 280 yard par 5. The Lord gives a mighty swing, and the ball rockets down the fairway a good 245 yards, but a gust of wind carries the ball into the woods to the left of the green. The Lord asks Moses for a 7-iron, saying " Watch my backswing, and pay close attention to my follow-through . . . Greg Norman does it just like this."
The Lord drives the ball clear of the woods, with just enough hook that the ball ends up on the green . . . an easy four-foot putt. He sinks it in, finishing -2 for the hole.

Now they're at the 17th tee, and The Lord's ball lands in the water hazard, about 50 yards shy of the green. The Lord walks out onto the water to retrieve his ball, and one of the club's members happens to see this unusual sight. The club member asks Moses "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" And Moses replied, " Funny you should ask that, because for most of the day, He's been thinking He was Greg Norman."

And this one I heard from an uncle of mine, who is a retired Catholic priest.

One Sunday morning, the Monsignor wanted to play a round of golf. After several hours of asking around the parish, he finally was able to get the Mother Superior to tag along as his caddy. The Monsignor is out on the 9th hole, makes a beautiful shot, but at the last minute, the ball takes a bad hop into the woods. The Monsignor cuts loose with a profane outburst, and the Mother Superior takes him to task for it, reminding the Monsignor that it's just a game, and that as a man of the cloth, he should be ashamed. Somewhat chastened, the Monsignor apologizes.

On the 13th hole, the Monsignor's drive carries the ball a good distance, but he didn't put enough hook into the shot to clear the sand trap, and there it lands. The Monsignor's face darkens with rage, and he again cuts loose with some pretty salty remarks. The Mother Superior is apalled, and solemnly warns the Monsignor that God will surely strike him dead for such blasphemous language. Regaining control of his temper, the Monsignor apologizes again for his language. The Mother Superior reluctantly agrees to finish out the course.

Well, on the 18th hole, the Monsignor makes his best shot of the day . . . in fact, it looks like this could be a hole-in-one . . . but the ball drops short and rolls a bit, coming to rest 6 inches from the pin. Not wanting to offend the Mother Superior, the Monsignor settles for mumbling "Oh, sh!t!" under his breath. And sure enough, the skies darken rapidly, and there's an ominous looking storm cloud that seemed to have appeared from nowhere. The Monsignor is shaking and trembling when a bolt of lightning comes from the sky and blows the Mother Superior to bits. As the cloud begins to dissipate, the Monsignor hears a voice saying "Oh, sh!t!"

[Pepper]

THE THREE KICK RULE
A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the Oklahoma Low country.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Oklahoma. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face.
The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area early caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said,
"Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Pepper]

CATHOLIC HORSES
Bubba was from Alabama and was, a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot – won the race. Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost.. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”

[catwmnjedi]

<span style="color:#daa500">This isn't really a joke, but it's based on a dream I had, believe it or not. *I "enhanced" the convo it a little. *It helps if you know Ewan McGregor's vices...</span>

Obi-Wan sits on a psychiatrists couch for his weekly session.

Therapist: "Let's begin, shall we?"

Obi-Wan: "Mind if I smoke?"

Th: "Jedi smoke?"

OW: "Only when I'm off the set." **lights up cig #1*

Th: "Very well. *Let's see... *flips thru datapad* *"Where were we... ah.. you were discussing the pressure you're under lately."

OW: "My apprentice. *He's good, but he knows it and he bested me at our last training session."

Th: "How did that make you feel?"

OW: *frowns* "Bloody well like poppin' a vessel, that's how! *He thinks he's 'all that' ya kno'? And he whines all the time about how rotten his life was as a slave... blah, blah, blah! *And the chicks! *He always gets the bloody chicks!"

Th: "Hmmm, I thought you said Jedi were supposed to be chaste."

OW: *grins* "Yea... well... we do have eyes! *When Queen Padme was on Naboo with us, you don't think Qui-Gon and I weren't checking out her a?? But the kid, he gets away with more than that!"

Th: "So you're... jealous."

OW: "Bloody right I am!" **lights up cig #2*

Th: "And how does that make you feel?"

OW: "Like I want to kick his bony butt, that's how!"

Th: "Let's explore that more. *When were you first jealous of your apprentice?"

OW: "Oh that's easy. *The day he pranced in front of the Council and Qui-Gon asked to train him. *'The Chosen One' he called him, friggin'..."

Th: "I see. *So you felt rejected."

OW: *takes a long drag on his cig* "Yea, I worked my fingers to the bone to impress Mr. Living Force and all the kid does is win some race to buy parts and he's the bloody Second Coming!"

Th: "How was your relationship with your father."

OW: "What?! *What the 'ell does that 'ave to do with anythin'! **lights cig #3* *"Oh, I see where you're goin'... didn't know my real father, but sure... Qui-Gon was like me pop to me."

Th: "Hmmm.. you seem.. frustrated."

OW: "Well you would be too! *The Jedi hand wave doesn't work on everything, ya kno'!"

Th: "Why not stop training the boy?"

OW: "'Cause I made a promise to my Master. *Duh!"

Th: "Couldn't you use Jedi rationalization to get out of it?"

OW: "Jedi what?"

Th: "Rationalization. *You know... I only made that promise from a 'certain point of view'."

OW: "You're kiddin', right?"

Th: "Works for some of my patients."

OW: *laughs* "That's the most bloody lame excuse I've ever heard!"

Th: *shrugs*.

OW: "You see, with the Council...

*timer goes off*

Th: "Sorry, chum. *Times up."

OW: *throws cig butt on the floor* *"Bloody 'ell it is! *I've got five more minutes!"

Th: "Nope... your chrono must be off. *My advice... dump the kid, stop hanging around little green trolls, go to a nice Twil'lek den, then go home and rethink your life!"

:biggrin: *:sarcasm:

[Darth Sithster]

*Vader and Luke are light-saber dueling*

Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what your getting for Christmas, did he?

Luke: He told me enough!

Vader: Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas!

Luke: No! That's not true! that's Impossible!

Vader: Luke, I have Felt your presents!!!!

... thank you Shawn, wherever you are!~

[Sable]

Felt your presents....*grooooannnn* *:biggrin: Anyway...

Bill Clinton and the Pope both die at the same time. *There's a mix-up and they're sent to the wrong places, with Bill going to heaven and the Pope going to hell. The mistake is soon corrected, however, and the two are sent to their proper eternal homes. As they pass each other, they stop for a brief chat.

"So you got sent to the wrong place, too, huh?" says Bill. "What's the first thing you're going to do when you get to heaven?"

"I'm going to visit the one person I've always wanted to meet," says the Pope. "The Virgin Mary!"

Bill replies, "Well, you're about 20 minutes too late. I got to her first."

[Luthien]

LOL, Sable...that's too funny.

[Corran]

So... what do you call the day the mayonaise goes bad???


Give Up?


Stinko de Mayo

[Sable]

My boyfriend was rather upset when I broke up with him. "What's wrong?" he said. "We get along great together. We like the same movies, enjoy the same music, eat at the same restaurants...I can read you like a book!"

"That's the problem," I said. "You seem to think you're blind and the book is in Braille."

[Kafer]

A joke from a movie I watched this weekend.

Two guys are sitting at a bar. The first guy says:

You know, this is my bar. I built it up from nothing and turned it into a successful franchise. But do they call me John, successful businessman? No.

I was a farmer too. For ten years I was a farmer. I had one of the most prolific farms in the area. Did they call me John the farmer? No.

I was a congressman for ten years. I served this great state for ten years in the congress. Do they call me John the congressman? No.

You **** one sheep......

[Seanakin]

<span style="color:2679ef">Here's one that I got in a handout in...errr...one of my classes last night, and it's translated, of course.

Three Swedes were out walking when they came upon some tracks. *Ever curious, they stopped to figure out what kind of tracks they were.

The first said "I think they're rabbit tracks!"

The second said "No, I think they're MOOSE tracks!"

The third said nothing as the train ran them over before he could open his mouth. *Oh well.</span>

[Vyndim]

Heres one.

A sign posted at a gold club stated:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

Also, a fun link. You will need something like windows media player to view it. Its rather large; 18 meg or something, but its worth it!

Triumph (http://www.citizenl.com/Triumph.wmv)

Sorry if this video was posted before, and don't kill me after viewing it, i'm just the messenger. :)

[Seanakin]

<span style="color:2679ef">AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

ROTGDFLMMFAO!!!!!!!

That was GREAT!!!

Just the laugh I needed for today. :biggrin: </span>

[Luthien]

*hugs Seanakin* Bad day? Feel like e-mailing me and talking about it?

Funny jokes, BTW.

I loved the Swede joke, that was an oldie but goodie.

[Tovor]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts complaining about the new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the Material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Tovor]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing * *some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or
give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: *Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Sc^@# the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S#*k this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts tothe teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're in BIG trouble!" and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."

[Tovor]

From the panhandling capital of the world, San Francisco:

A bum walks up to an obviously successful dot-com businessman and says: "Excuse me sir, I'm hungry and cold, do you have any spare change?"

The businessman looks him up and down, and pulls a 5 dollar bill out of his wallet."Now, if I give you this money, how can I be sure you won't spend it on cheap liquor?"

The bum says, "No sir, I don't drink, I'm just a little down on my luck."

The businessman says,"Well, how can I be sure you won't gamble the money away on the Lotto, or waste it on a round of Golf?"

The bum replies: "I don't gamble, and I don't play Golf. Now can I please have the 5 dollars?"

The businessman says, "I'll do even better than that. Come home with me now, and I'll have my wife prepare you a scrumptious dinner, and you can sleep in the guest room tonight."

"Won't your wife object to having someone like me around?" the bum says.

"She might," the businessman says, "but I want her to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, or play Golf."

[Lara]

ROTFLMAO guys!!!!! just what I needed, a good laugh... :biggrin:

[Tovor]

Here's another one for ya then. Enjoy.

A woman who was receiving hormone replacement treatments went to see her doctor. *
She said, "Doc, since I've been taking these pills I've been growing hair in places I've never had hair before."

"Like where, ma'am?" the doctor asked.

"On my testicals, which is another thing I need to talk to you about."

[Vyndim]

Found this one awhile back and its Star Wars related...

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI IF.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-
shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."

[GaViN28x]

LMAO hahahah ".....and your uncle" hahahaha that was the best joke i have heard in a while.

[SonGokou]

What happened when the MAC owner cleaned his ears out?

His head collapsed.

[DanielSkywalker]

OK, here's one.

A man walks into his psychologist's office all worked up and says: "Hey, Doc, I have a problem here. i'm a teepee, I'm a wigwom, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwom, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwom." The doctor turns to the man and says: "Calm down, you're two tents (tense).

Har Har Har!!!

[SonGokou]

Whoa man thats old. Here are a couple of oldies for ya:

Patient: "Doctor I'll feel like a pair of curtains!"

Doc: "Pull yourself together man!"

-----

Patient: "Doctor I feel like a deck of cards."

Doc: "Please wait outside, I'll deal with you later."

-----

Patient: "Doctor, I just walked into a bar and said..."

Doc: "Leave now or I'll have you thrown out."

[Seanakin]

Here's one I just thought up this morning. Brace thyselves.

What does green tea have in common with students protesting Western Civ?

Anti-Occidents.

*RUNS FOR COVER*

[Luthien]

*snickers* Thanks for the laugh.

[Seanakin]

For my mother I rewrote it thusly: The reason this John Walker Lindh Untermensch was so healthy when he was with the Taliban was because of all the anti-Occidents in his diet.

And you're welcome for the laugh. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/alien.gif

[QuigonWindu]

I didnt go through all the jokes so maybe this blonde joke was already said.
How area blonde and a turtle the same?
When they're on they're backs, they're screwed.

[Brian]

These 2 jokes (lists) were reposted here per Tovor's request.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Everyone seems to wonder why the Muslim terrorists are
so quick to commit suicide. *Let's see now:

No premarital sex
No booze
No bars
No television
No Internet
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties
Actually, no tailgates
No Hooters
No meat from a pig
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight
Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors.
No music
No radio
You can't shave.
You can't shower.
Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel crap.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all
times.
Your bride is picked by someone else
Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all
gets better!

Who wouldn't go for it? *Just a thought...

[Brian]

14 things to do at Wal-Mart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest ooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in only if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

11. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

and last but not least,

14. Go into a fitting room and yell loudly, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here.

[Tovor]

Thanks O-B-Gates, yousa da bomb. ;)
And, now I know what to do to have a hearty laugh the next time I go to Wal-Mart...if I have the guts to try those jokes, that is.

[Obidobi]

A little horny joke:

A woman and a man was going home (to one yhem´s home anyway) from a bar a saturday night for some :censored: ahem! U all know!!

Then she says: "I have something to admit! My tittys are false! I look like a newborn baby upstairs."

The man says! " That is no problem, I have something to admit too! I looks like a newborn downstairs!"

Ok she said, and they walked home.
She got undressed, and he said, "you where right, you look like a newborn upstairs!"

He got undressed, she got shocked and said, " I thought you said you looked like a newborn!?!" That is huge!!

Yes, 50 cm and 3,5 kilo, just like a newborn baby! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flirt.gif

[STar war spUNK]

what do you call a masturbating cow?
beef stroginoff

hahahah. sorry i don't know how to spell it.

[Darth Darthy]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif :thumbs-up: :lol:

[Obidobi]

A girl that was very flat chested went to a store to buy a bra. Nobody had her size because she looked like an airport stripe.
She got frustrated and tried a last shop. She went inside and ripped her shirt off.
"Do you have anything for these?", she yelled.

The clerk answered, "Have you ever tried Clearasil?"

[Redsabre]

<span style="color:red"> Another Bill Clinton joke:

Bill Clinton dies and goes to Hell. Of course, being who he is, he gets a V.I.P. reception, and is met at the gates of the Infernal City by the Dark Lord Himself. Satan shakes hands with his new citizen enthusiastically, and ushers Mr. Clinton through the gates.

"I've been preparing a special place for you, my faithful servant, but even I cannot best decide the manner in which you will spend eternity, so I will allow you to decide."
The Devil and Bill Clinton are walking down a hallway of fire, and as they approach a door on the left side of the hallway, they hear horrible screams of pain coming from behind the door. The Devil opens the door so that Slick Willy can see one of his possible fates and it's a sight to behold: Adolf Hitler, burning at the stake, although since this is Hell, this is the fire which burns but does not consume. Bill turns away in horror, and without a word being passed, the Dark Lord closes the door and relocks it, and the two once more set off down the hallway, with curtains of flame closing behind them.
Before very long, even more hideous screams are reaching their ears; nevertheless, it is still several minutes before they arrive at the second door. Once again, Satan produces a key, and Mr. Clinton takes one look into the room and starts shaking like a dog passing a pine cone, for this is what he saw: Josef Stalin, being tortured on the rack by 6 demons. His limbs have been grotesquely distorted beyond all human dimensions, but no bones have yet been broken, nor will they be, for the torturers in Satan's service are quite skilled. Once again, the Dark Lord knows to shut the door and proceed onward . . . and once again, the flames close in, forcing them down the hallway towards the last door.

Barely have Stalin's screams begun to fade when an even worse sound becomes audible; shrieks of torment that would make a Spanish Inquisitor smile with professional pride at a job well done. With a flourish, Satan flings open the third door, and this is what Bill Clinton saw: Kenneth Starr, naked and bound to a cross, with Monica Lewinsky kneeling before him, doing what she does best. Well, as you may have guessed, Clinton's eyes light up like a kid's on Christmas. "This is the place!", he cries, turning to the Dark Lord with an expression of hope on his face.
"Are you certain this is how you wish to spend eternity?" the Dark Lord asks, with an evil sidelong glance. "Absolutely! I'll still be in Hell, but some parts of it ain't so bad", the former President replies. Satan claps his hands, and his Executive Assistant appears, with all the appropriate paperwork already filled out . . . needing only the condemned's signature. "Sign here", says Satan. Clinton signs, and hands the paper back to Satan, who hands it to his secretary. With a clap of thunder, the lesser demon dissappears. "If you'll excuse me for a moment", the Devil said, "I'll make arrangements for the two of you to be alone." And with that, Satan walks up to Ms. Lewinsky and leans down to whisper quietly: "I've got good news for you, kid. Your replacement is here and you're free to go."</span>

[Darth Darthy]

Have you heard the one about the couple trying out the "plumber position" (wink wink). They stayed in all morning but nobody came.

[Brian]

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the eight-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully pre-pared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions.

Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form. He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow of the United States government by force, subversion, or violence?" Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he checked "violence."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"

"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

[Seanakin]

One I heard from some kid on David Letterman...

What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?

Snowballs.

*Drum Crash*

:look:

[Grim Jackal]

A nose and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar, only to be refused service by the bartender.

"Why?" demands the nose.

"Well," says the bartender, "you're off your face and they look like they're about to start something."

[Brian]

An old joke:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

[Brian]

Here's another:

Q. Why are chickens considered good employees?

A. Because they work around the cluck.

[Brian]

Yet another:

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[Brian]

The last one for the day, I promise style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sly.gif :

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[Brian]

Joke of the Day:

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

[Brian]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[Brian]

Yet another:

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

[AlanRJ]

Two very very poor jokes:

1.
Q: How do you make a cat go woof?
A: Pour petrol on it and strike a match

2.
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just gave a little whine (wine).

[Brian]

Yet another lame joke:

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”





And another:

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

[Brian]

Here is a joke for ya:

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”


P.S. I don't make these up....

[Brian]

Ok, I got several for ya today:


A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he says, "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says "Oh my god," the bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies "50 cents."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

And last, but not least....

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

[Brian]

Here's a couple of jokes for ya:

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

[Brian]

It seems that I am the only one keeping this thread alive. Oh well....

Here's a couple of lame jokes for ya:

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."






This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[Tovor]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hehe.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Brian]

Okay, time for a couple of jokes:

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"



A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

[Lara]

LMAO!!!! Good job OB Gates, where do you get those?

[Brian]

Lara, they come to my e-mail.


More jokes for ya:


Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"




Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."



There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."



This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox. After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."

P.S. I don't make these up.

[Tovor]

OB-Gates, your jokes are often very funny. What joke site are you subscribed to?

[Lara]

What he asked.....which site are you subscribed to?

[Redsabre]

<span style="color:crimson"><span style="font-family:arial">And this one's for any MARINES out there in Jediland . . .

A few years ago, a U.N. inspection team was returning from yet another attempt to perform some on-site inspections in Iraq. Three American serviceman missed their connecting flight, so they headed off to the bar to wait for the next available flight. They were from different branches, so breaking the ice wasn't easy. Finally the Air Force General says to his companions: "Lt. General, assigned to SAC / NORAD, class valedictorian at the Academy, two sons, both doctors."
The other two look at him, and the handshakes happen. Then the other General speaks up: "First in my class at West Point, Purple Heart, DSC, Airborne . . . two sons, both lawyers."
Finally the Marine introduces himself: "Gunnery Sergeant, Grenada, Panama, Desert Storm . . . never married, two sons . . . both generals."</span></span>

[Brian]

Here's some jokes for this wonderful Friday!

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".



The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."



There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"


A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"


Hmm, let's see. Do I really want to give away my secret info? Aww, why not.

www.ajokeaday.com

[Brian]

Here some good lame jokes for ya:


You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!




A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.




A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."


P.S. I don't make these up....

[Brian]

Time for a joke update:



A man started a new job at a zoo. He was given his first job by the zoo owner – to clean out the large tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species.

While removing some gravel from the tank with his spade, he accidently hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner did not notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job – to muck out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over familiar and, in an attempt to get them away the man lashed out with his spade, killing two chimps. In his panic he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner was pleased with the man’s work and as his final task for the day he asked him to collect honey from the zoo’s beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his spade and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing several dozen bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well because lions eat anything.

The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo. He enquired of the existing residents “what’s the food like here?” One of the zoo’s resident lions said, “Oh, it’s great. Only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”





A man dies and goes to hell. The devil explains that there are three sectors in hell, and that the man gets to choose where he would like to spend eternity. First, the man sees many people standing on their heads in fire. Their screams convince him that he does not want to be there. Second, the man sees many people standing on their heads in ice. Their pleading eyes convince him that his cold nature could not stay there. Third, the man sees many people standing around ankle deep in horse manure and drinking coffee. He tells the devil that he could adjust to the smell and that he liked coffee. So the man chose the third sector for eternity. As the door slammed shut, the man heard an announcement: "coffee break is over-everybody stand on your head!"





Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"





Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman was driving back to his car, he saw the other two professors on the floor in the back seat...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 166."





A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.





Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"
"Yes, sir! I'd put allthe men on one island and the women on another."
"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!"



P.S. I don't make these up....

[Brian]

More lame jokes:


A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."




A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."




Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."



P.S. I don't make these up OR type them out OR edit them for grammer. I just cut and paste them here....

[Brian]

Lame jokes time:


One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."




A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."




Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.




A Blonde sitting on first class. The flight attendant takes her ticket and says,” This is a ticket for coach, not for first class." The Blonde replied,” I’m Blonde, I’m Beautiful and I'm going to Chicago." Then the pilot came out and asked what was going on here and the flight attendant told the pilot the situation. So the pilot went over and whispered something in the Blonde's ear and she hurried back to coach. The flight attendant then asked,” What did you tell her?” The pilot replied,” I just told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago.



P.S. I don't make these up....

[Brian]

Here's another lame joke for ya:


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[JediKeri.]

Bumperama!!

[vodo]

I wrote a joke in another thread which was laughed at by Darth Drew.

[Brian]

Originally posted by vodo bass@Oct 25 2002, 03:13 PM
I wrote a joke in another thread which was laughed at by Darth Drew.
Post it here. This is the home for LAME jokes or jokes of any kind (as long as they are clean).

[Brian]

Here's a few lame jokes for ya:


A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,
"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"
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Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


P.S. I don't make these up and some of these jokes are for grown folks (the younger senators might not get them).

[vodo]

This joke is about David Beckem a talented footballer(soccer) but he is stupid

Manchester Uniteds Coach calls David to his office
"David you have been playing like a fool on the pitch you havent scored in a month and you have lost the ball to a defender more that once what is the problem?"

David replies" Sorry boss its just that the misses has bought a puzzel board . It is a picture of a Tiger and it is amazing but I cant do it. I have all the parts but they just dont fit together."
"A bloody puzzel is spoiling your game .............how?"
" I cant get it off my mind when I play thats all I see I need help."

The next day david walks into the office and opens a box and pours all the pieces onto the tabel.
" Look boss Ive got all the peices but they dont fit."
The coach looks him in the eye and says
" David put the frosties back in the box!"

[Brian]

Joke update:

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said


"So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. I don't make these up nor do I correct the grammar.

[Brian]

One more:

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

[Brian]

Joke update:

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

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(I think I have posted this one before. Oh, well.)

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

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P.S. I don't make these up or correct for grammer.

[Lara]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/hehe.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[Brian]

Another joke for the wonderful Sunday!


A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"


P.S. I didn't make this up or edit it for grammer.

[Tovor]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"


[/b][/quote]
That's right! U.S. soldiers are the best!

[Obidobi]

Here is a normal conversation in the white house:

Subject: George Hu?


(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new

leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the

Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader

of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of

milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe

we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can

you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[Brian]

Ok, time for a huge joke update:



A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
---

A man who's wife was pr