Marriage

[Miasmo]

I'd like to have some nice discussions about marriage. Do you want to get married? Why or why not? Are you already married? How is it? What would an ideal marriage be like for you? Have you regretted not asking someone to marry you?

I know some people will want to joke around and that's pretty much unavoidable, but I would really like to have some serious and meaningful discussions.

This isn't the place for those 'sex is cool, I have sex, I am cool' posts. They might seep in here and there but don't be surprise if I come in and try and get back on topic if those posts start to steer the conversations. Of course, this thread might not even be that popular...

I'd start off with some views of my own but they aren't the easiest things to discuss so I figured I'd wait until some other people brought up some points I could comment on and use to explain my views. All I can say right now is that it might be nice to share my life with someone in a deeper way than I ever have before. Might... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mellow.gif

[Darth Badly]

I've nothing against marriage, but have no plans to get married at the moment.

[T-bone]

Don't get married until you're absolutely sure it's time. It sounds silly but you'll know. There's a difference between thinking you know and knowing. Think it through and though some religions (including mine) declare it a sin, you really should live together for a while first because THAT'S when things get a little crazy. The simplest things will set you off. It's being able to look past those things that's the key to success here.

[flo fett]

I have absolutely no desire to get married. I have been with my man for seven years and we're happy. I can't see why getting married would make the slightest bit of difference to how we are together, so I'm not going to bother. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[goodwije]

It is amazing to share your life with someone. Marriage itself comes with a long list of expectations, controversies, and arguments, but the simple fact of knowing someone is there for you to love and to love you in return is a powerful and intense experiance. It isnt always easy, arguments about who left the bathroom door open so the puppy could chew on the 99 cent roll of toilet paper, or why one person didn't pick up their drawers, or... you get the idea. Our identities are formed through independance and then we are trying to remerge into a unit, it takes a lot of work. Well worth it IMO however.

[bluemilk]

I like to think of marriage as the down and dirty business of love. My parents are best friends and have been married for 35 years. I wouldn't mind getting married but as long as it's good business sense.

Being sensual, romantic and loving with your partner can exist outside of marriage so if you do get married, think with your brain, not your heart and make sure you're both good at negotiating.

[goodwije]

Originally posted by bluemilk@Nov 18 2003, 05:28 PM
Being sensual, romantic and loving with your partner can exist outside of marriage so if you do get married, think with your brain, not your heart and make sure you're both good at negotiating.
Absolutly.. however. Making a public decleration of your love and commitment to one another is an exciting and worthwhile endeaver. Not to mention all the social and religious reasons, if those are important to you.

[flo fett]

Originally posted by goodwije@Nov 18 2003, 11:18 PM
It is amazing to share your life with someone. Marriage itself comes with a long list of expectations, controversies, and arguments, but the simple fact of knowing someone is there for you to love and to love you in return is a powerful and intense experiance. It isnt always easy, arguments about who left the bathroom door open so the puppy could chew on the 99 cent roll of toilet paper, or why one person didn't pick up their drawers, or... you get the idea. Our identities are formed through independance and then we are trying to remerge into a unit, it takes a lot of work. Well worth it IMO however.
I already do share all of the amazing things in my life with my partner, we just didn't need marriage to do it. It's a lovely and worthwhile thing for those who have a religious need for it, and those who want to make a public declaration. All the important people in my life already know how much I love my man and so I don't need the ceremony...also the idea of all those people staring at me...*shudders* style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Javen]

Originally posted by flo fett@Nov 18 2003, 03:45 PM
I have absolutely no desire to get married. I have been with my man for seven years and we're happy. I can't see why getting married would make the slightest bit of difference to how we are together, so I'm not going to bother. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif
As Yoda once said, only not in the form of a question"There is another?"

Javen sobs heavily style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/crying.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/crying.gif

You trickses Javen, my precious.

[flo fett]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
*Eyes dart about nervously*
I was talking about you my lovely, I just...um get confused with dates 'n stuff...honest
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[brookie]

this is a nice topic miasma,

so i would like to get married sometime in the future and T bone is right, my boyfriend and i decided to live together, and i would recommend it to everyone, we plan to marry a few years after graduation,so we will see ....he is my best friend.

[goodwije]

I agree completly Flo, me and boyfriend are not married (obviously as we live in the USA and it is not legal). We also have never had a commitment ceremony. I have been to a few and they are amazing and very moving however, i guess my point is, the important part is finding someone to be with, and then working to stay together. Whatever name that commitment goes by is not important, it is the attachment, worth, and love the relationship brings to the people involved.

[Blizzard]

I am never getting married.

[Obidobi]

I am never gonna get married again....Been there done that....It's time to move along....!

[Count Dookie]

Marriage is not for everyone. I have to say thought that I lived with my wife for more than a year before we were married. It was great. Very few disagreement.

Then we married. Everything changes. I has its really great times, but the bad times seemed much worse from before we were married. Living together does not determine if a marriage will work out.


Bottom line: Marriage is work...even when things are going well it is still work. The minute you stop working at it; it will slide down hill.

[Darth Badly]

Originally posted by Blizzard@Nov 19 2003, 02:46 AM
I am never getting married.
You keep wearing those cute 3D glasses and you don't know what's gonna happen, babe.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/satisfied.gif

[Blizzard]

LOL Badly. They don't attract suitors, the attract married men. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/unsure.gif

[Darth Badly]

I bet there are some stories there.

I'll PM you.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

[Lara]

Badly being bad again... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/satisfied.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

[Blizzard]

Always. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Lara]

I think he wants to be spanked... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

[Tovor]

Originally posted by goodwije@Nov 18 2003, 08:08 PM
I agree completly Flo, me and boyfriend are not married (obviously as we live in the USA and it is not legal). We also have never had a commitment ceremony. I have been to a few and they are amazing and very moving however, i guess my point is, the important part is finding someone to be with, and then working to stay together. Whatever name that commitment goes by is not important, it is the attachment, worth, and love the relationship brings to the people involved.
You could always move to Massachusetts. Hawaii too allows same sex marriages. I could be wrong on that past one, but I'm almost sure I read that they had passed a law allowing it at some point in the last few years.

[Darth Badly]

Originally posted by Lara@Nov 19 2003, 03:52 AM
I think he wants to be spanked... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif
You offering, Lara?

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup.gif

[Phil Tinajero]

I guess marriage would be okay, as long as I'm sure about it. I have a habit of rushing into things. I'm not sure I'd want kids though.

Believe me, it's a long time until I'll start thinking about marriage. I'm not so good with the ladies in the first place. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif

[Count Dookie]

Marriage is something you will know if it is ment to happen...Like T'Bone said earlier you will know if it is right. I was in a couple of serious relationships before I met my wife. Within 4 months of knowing my wife I knew she was the one I was going to marry.

When it comes to kids....all I can say is that you never knew you could love something so much. I have a daughter who is 8 and a son who is 2 1/2. They are so different in personality. But, I love them with a completeness that I can not explain. I would die for them. I can not imagine my life without them. Without my wife they would not be here.

I know I sort of went off topic (talking about the kids) and I don't mean to start a religious debate. My wife and I wish that we did not live together or sleep with one another before we married. I have a moral issue that I have come to terms with and want to pass on to my children.

Even when I feel like my wife is the biggest pain in the ass and I want to split I look at my kids and then think about their mother and the commitment that I made to her. I love being married. I don't always like it...

[T-bone]

excellent post.

[Count Dookie]

Originally posted by T'bone@Nov 19 2003, 12:22 AM
excellent post.
Thanks style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[goodwije]

Tovor..

Hawaii has a law that allows civil unions between same gender partners, and has a law that bans an admendment to their constitution which would the limit the definition of marriage, Vermont has a simular law. The massachusets decision gave the state 6 months to come up with a viable plan to grant the same rights to same gender couples as it does marriage to conventional couples. Ontario Canada recently deemed it unconstitutional to ban same gender couples from marriage, and at least one Eropean country has a same gender marriage right. However not one of these resolutions and acts is reconized outside of their state or country. So no its still pretty much illegal.

I'm not bitter style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif just impatient.

[Lord Rocha]

Originally posted by goodwije@Nov 18 2003, 09:31 PM
Tovor..

Hawaii has a law that allows civil unions between same gender partners, and has a law that bans an admendment to their constitution which would the limit the definition of marriage, Vermont has a simular law.
Ah, dont forget that California joins the club next year if I am correct (exactly not sure if beginning 2004 or 2005) in a very similar way as Vermont.

[Lara]

Originally posted by Darth Badly+Nov 18 2003, 11:02 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Darth Badly @ Nov 18 2003, 11:02 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'> <!--QuoteBegin-Lara@Nov 19 2003, 03:52 AM
I think he wants to be spanked... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif
You offering, Lara?

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup.gif [/b][/quote]
Perhaps... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/satisfied.gif

[Javen]

I want to get married at some point in life and make about 5 to 10 kids. I really do like kids, but maybe I'm just horny too. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/scratchchin.gif

[Darth Vegas]

I bet you'd change your mind about 10 kids after like the first 2-3, for many reasons... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Javen]

Originally posted by TK-007@Nov 19 2003, 08:57 AM
I bet you'd change your mind about 10 kids after like the first 2-3, for many reasons... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif
Well, that and if we got a divorce, not even hitting the lottery could pay all that child support. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wacko.gif

[Darth Badly]

Originally posted by Count Dookie+Nov 19 2003, 06:27 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Count Dookie @ Nov 19 2003, 06:27 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'> <!--QuoteBegin-T'bone@Nov 19 2003, 12:22 AM
excellent post.
Thanks style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif [/b][/quote]

Yeah, a good honest post, Dookie.

[Miasmo]

Originally posted by flo fett+Nov 18 2003, 05:56 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(flo fett @ Nov 18 2003, 05:56 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'> <!--QuoteBegin-goodwije@Nov 18 2003, 11:18 PM
It is amazing to share your life with someone. Marriage itself comes with a long list of expectations, controversies, and arguments, but the simple fact of knowing someone is there for you to love and to love you in return is a powerful and intense experiance. It isnt always easy, arguments about who left the bathroom door open so the puppy could chew on the 99 cent roll of toilet paper, or why one person didn't pick up their drawers, or... you get the idea. Our identities are formed through independance and then we are trying to remerge into a unit, it takes a lot of work. Well worth it IMO however.
I already do share all of the amazing things in my life with my partner, we just didn't need marriage to do it. It's a lovely and worthwhile thing for those who have a religious need for it, and those who want to make a public declaration. All the important people in my life already know how much I love my man and so I don't need the ceremony...also the idea of all those people staring at me...*shudders* style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif [/b][/quote]
I totally understand where both of you are coming from. I would be, in theory, completely comfortable with spending my life with a partner that I felt no obligation to marry. I actually think it would show an extreme amount of trust to unofficially commit to each other. But it would be a strong gesture to want to make a public declaration. It's about being so happy with what you've found that you want to make it 'official' in the 'system' that you live in.

Sometimes I just don't know though. Sometimes I think that as much as I love a person, they will still be separate from me. I can share everything I can with them, but I don't know if I can always maintain a point of view that accepts a partner as an extension of myself and vice versa. I don't always think this way though. I don't have a fixed viewpoint on life and don't think I ever will. That's what can be scary. Thinking you've got something figured out, making a decision, then seeing things in a different light and feeling you've subjected someone to an experience you don't think they deserve.

[flo fett]

Originally posted by goodwije@Nov 19 2003, 05:31 AM
I'm not bitter style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif just impatient.
lol style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif Well good luck and I hope we all get invites when it does happen! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[flo fett]

Originally posted by Miasma@Nov 19 2003, 06:50 PM

Sometimes I just don't know though. Sometimes I think that as much as I love a person, they will still be separate from me. I can share everything I can with them, but I don't know if I can always maintain a point of view that accepts a partner as an extension of myself and vice versa.
I would hate to think of my partner as an extension of me. I like my independance, I like the fact that in my relationship 1 person and 1 person make 2 people, we're a team not a single mutant unit named 'couple'. My commitment to my man is that I am fiercely independant but I choose to be with him because I love him, because I like him and because I want to be with him. I think a lot of people seem to lose their own identity when they become married, they start thinking of their partner and them as a single unit and lose all the uniqueness and independance that they loved about each other in the first place. I think it's very overwhelming for some people when they get married. They do it because tthey think they should,because it's expected of them not because they've actually sat down and thought how they feel about it, and whether it's right for them at that point. Anyways...different strokes for different folks. Good luck to all who want to or who are getting married! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Count Dookie]

Originally posted by flo fett+Nov 19 2003, 04:45 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(flo fett @ Nov 19 2003, 04:45 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'> <!--QuoteBegin-Miasma@Nov 19 2003, 06:50 PM

Sometimes I just don't know though. Sometimes I think that as much as I love a person, they will still be separate from me. I can share everything I can with them, but I don't know if I can always maintain a point of view that accepts a partner as an extension of myself and vice versa.
I would hate to think of my partner as an extension of me. I like my independance, I like the fact that in my relationship 1 person and 1 person make 2 people, we're a team not a single mutant unit named 'couple'. My commitment to my man is that I am fiercely independant but I choose to be with him because I love him, because I like him and because I want to be with him. I think a lot of people seem to lose their own identity when they become married, they start thinking of their partner and them as a single unit and lose all the uniqueness and independance that they loved about each other in the first place. I think it's very overwhelming for some people when they get married. They do it because tthey think they should,because it's expected of them not because they've actually sat down and thought how they feel about it, and whether it's right for them at that point. Anyways...different strokes for different folks. Good luck to all who want to or who are getting married! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif [/b][/quote]
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be two different people. Getting married brings more to the table. But to say I want to stay independant and not get married because I don't want to lose my identity is in my opinion correct.

Marriage is a commitment to each other in the eyes of God(if you choose) or to any other god depending if there were any kind of religious ceremony. Also, there is a legal commitment.

By not being married it is an easier split if it does not work. I most states there is no common law husbands/wifes. It is much easier to go your seperate ways.

Marriage means that you will work harder to maintain your relationship even during the bad times. I'm not saying that you don't work on your relationship.

Getting married is not the end of the world. It does not replace who you are. It means that you choose to be together and put each other first. When children come into the picture (if that happens) then you are a united front when raising your children (in theory this is what is supposed to happen).

I'm not saying either that you have to get married if you are together. But, if something were to happen to you your boyfriend/girlfriend has no legal right to speak for you. That would fall to your next of kin (Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, etc..).

Don't knock marriage. I can be a wonderful thing. Good luck in what ever you choose in life....be happy that is what is most important.

[Miasmo]

Originally posted by flo fett@Nov 19 2003, 03:45 PM
I would hate to think of my partner as an extension of me. I like my independance, I like the fact that in my relationship 1 person and 1 person make 2 people, we're a team not a single mutant unit named 'couple'. My commitment to my man is that I am fiercely independant but I choose to be with him because I love him, because I like him and because I want to be with him. I think a lot of people seem to lose their own identity when they become married, they start thinking of their partner and them as a single unit and lose all the uniqueness and independance that they loved about each other in the first place.
See, I tend to believe that we all are one being, and that it is easier to realize that by finding a partner. I can maintain individuality while experiencing my partner as an extension of myself. We can come together to see life through each other. It is not a 'mutation', but a deeper understanding of life itself.

At least that's what I tend to think, more times than not...

[Seanakin]

Basically, for marriage, I have...

No thoughts
No Ideas
No Hope

[Aurra Sing]

Well Seanakin...thats not very positive.

[Seanakin]

Nope.

Forgive the eeyorian tone, but that's how it seems to me right now.

[Aurra Sing]

Hmm..I don't want to get married until I'm 30. Maybe.

[Blizzard]

I wanted to get married when I was 20... We don't always get what we want.

[Blizzard]

Originally posted by Count Dookie@Nov 19 2003, 06:35 PM
Marriage is a commitment to each other in the eyes of God(if you choose) or to any other god depending if there were any kind of religious ceremony.
Which is why marriage doesn't mean much to me.

By not being married it is an easier split if it does not work.

It was wonderful to just walk away from a very bad 20 year relationship with my boyfriend, no strings attached.

Marriage means that you will work harder to maintain your relationship even during the bad times. I'm not saying that you don't work on your relationship.

What are you saying then? I have never got as much from a relationship as I have put into one. Of course I haven't dated a normal, mature human being, either. All of them are already married.

Don't knock marriage. I can be a wonderful thing. Good luck in what ever you choose in life....be happy that is what is most important.

I am not knocking marriage. I just know it's never going to happen in my life. And the most important thing to me is raising my child. I need all my energy for that and I don't have much left to deal with the crap that comes with working on a relationship. FYI, you don't need to be married to have kids. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

[The Prism]

I'm a romantic, and I definitely want to get married in my life. To who I don't know. I'm still lookin' for someone.

Also, considering I'm waiting to have sex until I'm married, and I also would like to have sex in my life time, that's even more motivation to get married at some point! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup.gif

[jedibrat]

Originally posted by The Prism@Nov 19 2003, 10:14 PM
I'm a romantic, and I definitely want to get married in my life. To who I don't know. I'm still lookin' for someone.

Also, considering I'm waiting to have sex until I'm married, and I also would like to have sex in my life time, that's even more motivation to get married at some point! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup.gif
Second that. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

I do want to get married at some point in my life, hopefully after at least my undergrad schooling (I'm a freshman right now). I know that I want to spend quite a few years married without children, however -- my parents were married for 9 years before they had kids and they both say that those were some of the best years of their lives. They were able to focus on just each other; taking trips that were just the two of them, without having to worry about kids until they were ready (both emotionally and financially -- teachers just starting out don't get paid squat!). I like that whole idea better than having kids right away, I would want to spend quite a bit of time with just my husband. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif

[DarthSolo]

marriage is a great thing. i seriously doubt it will happen for me, just cause i doubt ill ever find love. hey im only 17 who knows I cant really say that i want it to happen, its more me wanting what God wants. Though saving up all this bloody sexual tension is obnoxious, but necessary. That would be a deffinet plus for marriage. I know a guy who didnt get married till 33, hes a teacher of mine, and he's just alot nicer person in the past few months he's been married, because he has an outlet for all his sexual frustration!

[Vyndim]

Did you mean marriage specifically in the topic?

Marriage is an odd thing. I don't want to get married per say, but I would like to spend my life with someone in the future. Instead of marriage I would persue a civil union. Same benefits, but without the religious undertones. Anyway I think most everyone has fantasies about finding that special someone, significant other, etc and having a relationship.

[Count Dookie]

Originally posted by Vyndim@Nov 20 2003, 12:11 AM
Did you mean marriage specifically in the topic?

Marriage is an odd thing. I don't want to get married per say, but I would like to spend my life with someone in the future. Instead of marriage I would persue a civil union. Same benefits, but without the religious undertones. Anyway I think most everyone has fantasies about finding that special someone, significant other, etc and having a relationship.
Marriage is also a civil union. Those that choose not to have a religious ceremony have a civil union. Yes, you get all the benefits. It also makes your commitment much harder to walk away from. There are legal issues as well.

That sounds negative, but I really did not mean it that way.

[Count Dookie]

Originally posted by Blizzard+Nov 19 2003, 10:56 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Blizzard @ Nov 19 2003, 10:56 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'> <!--QuoteBegin-Count Dookie@Nov 19 2003, 06:35 PM
Marriage is a commitment to each other in the eyes of God(if you choose) or to any other god depending if there were any kind of religious ceremony.
Which is why marriage doesn't mean much to me.

By not being married it is an easier split if it does not work.*

It was wonderful to just walk away from a very bad 20 year relationship with my boyfriend, no strings attached.

Marriage means that you will work harder to maintain your relationship even during the bad times.* I'm not saying that you don't work on your relationship.

What are you saying then? I have never got as much from a relationship as I have put into one. Of course I haven't dated a normal, mature human being, either. All of them are already married.

Don't knock marriage.* I can be a wonderful thing.* Good luck in what ever you choose in life....be happy that is what is most important.

I am not knocking marriage. I just know it's never going to happen in my life. And the most important thing to me is raising my child. I need all my energy for that and I don't have much left to deal with the crap that comes with working on a relationship. FYI, you don't need to be married to have kids. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif [/b][/quote]
You sound quite bitter style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif

By not being married you did not have some of the legal issues that are involved in a divorce. Also, I was thinking of other things such as property. When people are married property becomes community property and is divided by a judge. Yes even clothing and things that you had before you were married. Also, after the relationship dies you might get child support by not alimony. Yes, there are instances where men get alimony too.

Marriage also allows you to share in health benefits from one's employer. Boyfriend/Girlfriends are not covered unless you want to pay a fortune for it.

Also, kids that come from homes that don't have two parents tend to get in trouble and not do as well in school. I am not saying all but the majority are in this catagory.

[Blizzard]

Bitter? Why, because I don't agree with you? I was being honest. I am not bitter about marriage at all.

Now you are making marriage all about money. It's not about money, it's about love.

And my son is a straight A student, as was I. And my parents divorced when I was 9. THAT has nothing to do with coming from a single parent family. It has to do with coming from an idiot parent family.

[Count Dookie]

Originally posted by Blizzard@Nov 20 2003, 07:38 AM
Bitter? Why, because I don't agree with you? I was being honest. I am not bitter about marriage at all.

Now you are making marriage all about money. It's not about money, it's about love.

And my son is a straight A student, as was I. And my parents divorced when I was 9. THAT has nothing to do with coming from a single parent family. It has to do with coming from and idiot parent family.
No, you don't have to agree with me. That is ok. I am not offended that you don't. I am happy that your son is a straight A student. I am just saying the in a lot of homes this does not happen. Single parents tend to become over worked and their kid(s) can take a lower priority. Marriage is not all about money. It just happens to be a major part of the institution. Definitely LOVE is the most important thing. I would not have gotten married if I did not love my wife.

I am sorry that this has appeared to become personal. I never made it personal. I got the feeling you did a few posts back. My apologies if I appear to be attacking you; that was not my intention.

[Aurra Sing]

I have quite some time to figure out who my love out there is, like DarthSolo. I'm only 16. I don't want to rush into a marriage just because I think I will get no other chance, if it doesn't feel right, I'm not going to do it. I guess I will just know. If I'm not married until I find the love of my life when I'm 65, I'll go for it. Woo!

[Blizzard]

Originally posted by Count Dookie@Nov 20 2003, 07:52 AM
Single parents tend to become over worked and their kid(s) can take a lower priority. Marriage is not all about money. It just happens to be a major part of the institution.
Kids take a lower priority in marriages, too. And money is a major part of life, not just marriages.

I don't think either is a reason or excuse to get married.

[Miasmo]

Originally posted by Blizzard@Nov 19 2003, 09:56 PM
I have never got as much from a relationship as I have put into one. Of course I haven't dated a normal, mature human being, either. All of them are already married.
Do you think that the reason you didn't get back what you put into it could be partly because your partner was already married? Also, did you know that these men were married before you started a relationship?


Vyndim
Did you mean marriage specifically in the topic?
Well, kind of, but a lot of related topics are welcome.

[Jedi Rohn Starr]

Been married for 19 1/2 years as of yesterday. Don't have any plans to change that anytime soon. My 10 year old son is doing well in school, I have a good job, the wife has two jobs she likes, we have a nice home. Got nothing bad to say about marriage except that, at times, it takes a lot of work for all the parties involved, parents and children.

[Marbleman]

im responsible enough to know i am too irresponsible for marriage.

right now at least. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[Leia]

Originally posted by T'bone@Nov 18 2003, 01:52 PM
Think it through and though some religions (including mine) declare it a sin, you really should live together for a while first because THAT'S when things get a little crazy. The simplest things will set you off. It's being able to look past those things that's the key to success here.
oop, a little late here, but gotta say!

Actually, couples who live together are 40% more likely to get divorced in the first decade than couples who didn't. 38% of marriages where couples lived together first are dissolved whereas 27% of marriages where couples didn't live together first are dissolved. Still not a great statistic (almost 30%??) but not quite as bad

[goodwije]

Originally posted by Count Dookie@Nov 20 2003, 02:15 AM
Marriage also allows you to share in health benefits from one's employer. Boyfriend/Girlfriends are not covered unless you want to pay a fortune for it.
My employer offers Coomon Law spousal insurance, all you need to do is sign an affidavit saying you have lived together for at least 6 monthes, and prove you are financhaly interdependent. This year they are also offering Same Gender Partner Insurance, with simular restrictions and proofs required. Thye ave offered the Common Law insurance for many years though.

You were right that Common Law Marriage is no longer automatic in most states, however, it is still possible (at least in Ohio) to reister as a Comoon Law Couple.

[Blizzard]

Originally posted by Miasma+Nov 20 2003, 03:31 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Miasma @ Nov 20 2003, 03:31 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'> <!--QuoteBegin-Blizzard@Nov 19 2003, 09:56 PM
I have never got as much from a relationship as I have put into one. Of course I haven't dated a normal, mature human being, either. All of them are already married.
Do you think that the reason you didn't get back what you put into it could be partly because your partner was already married? Also, did you know that these men were married before you started a relationship? [/b][/quote]
Whoa Baby! Sorry you missread that!

I was saying that all the good, normal men are already married, and hence unavailable and I am left with the men with "issues". I do not date married men! Heck, I haven't had a date in almost a year.

[The Prism]

Originally posted by Blizzard@Nov 20 2003, 10:14 PM
I was saying that all the good, normal men are already married, and hence unavailable and I am left with the men with "issues".
You're wrong there. I'm not married yet. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[goodwije]

Originally posted by Blizzard@Nov 20 2003, 10:14 PM
I was saying that all the good, normal men are already married, and hence unavailable and I am left with the men with "issues". I do not date married men! Heck, I haven't had a date in almost a year.
Blizz to bad I am on the wrong team i would date ya. Don't get down being a mother is an amazing and important job, and trust me there is some good men out there who arnt married or.. cheerful LOL.

Besides dating is over rated I perfer Mail Order Men <-- joking style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/satisfied.gif

[Blizzard]

Originally posted by The Prism@Nov 20 2003, 11:39 PM
You're wrong there. I'm not married yet. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif
Ok, I'll rephrase...

All the good men are already married, gay, OR born after I graduated from high school. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

Smooches Good and Prism.

Miasma, we are waiting to hear more about what you think of marriage...

[Miasmo]

Originally posted by Blizzard+Nov 20 2003, 09:14 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Blizzard @ Nov 20 2003, 09:14 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'> Originally posted by Miasma@Nov 20 2003, 03:31 PM
<!--QuoteBegin-Blizzard@Nov 19 2003, 09:56 PM
I have never got as much from a relationship as I have put into one. Of course I haven't dated a normal, mature human being, either. All of them are already married.
Do you think that the reason you didn't get back what you put into it could be partly because your partner was already married? Also, did you know that these men were married before you started a relationship?
Whoa Baby! Sorry you missread that!

I was saying that all the good, normal men are already married, and hence unavailable and I am left with the men with "issues". I do not date married men! Heck, I haven't had a date in almost a year. [/b][/quote]
Oops! I did misread that. Sorry. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

I will talk more about my views of marriage, partnerships, divorce, blabbity blah, later though. I just woke up and I'm not really ready to jump into that river yet. Maybe later this evening.

[maddog62]

Would you beieve that I am married and trying to stay married, no matter how hard it gets.

[masterplan]

Married 1 year and 1 month.
Been together for 8 years previous.

Never ever took the commitment as seriously in the first 8 years as I have since I said "I do".

Recently life has become a dark, depressing, miserable, oppressive thing and if not for that commitment, that is more important to me than anything, I shudder to think where we'd be now.

Not preaching, just offering personal opinion and feelings.

[goodwije]

Originally posted by masterplan@Nov 21 2003, 03:33 PM
Recently life has become a dark, depressing, miserable, oppressive thing and if not for that commitment, that is more important to me than anything, I shudder to think where we'd be now.
I know what you mean. Like about a trillion other people, i have been dealing with some pretty dark places in my life. The one life line i have is my partner. I do not know were i would be without him.

[masterplan]

Originally posted by goodwije+Nov 21 2003, 10:02 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(goodwije @ Nov 21 2003, 10:02 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'> <!--QuoteBegin-masterplan@Nov 21 2003, 03:33 PM
Recently life has become a dark, depressing, miserable, oppressive thing and if not for that commitment, that is more important to me than anything, I shudder to think where we'd be now.
I know what you mean. Like about a trillion other people, i have been dealing with some pretty dark places in my life. The one life line i have is my partner. I do not know were i would be without him. [/b][/quote]
keep the faith, whichever one it is that you subscribe to anyway.

remember, misery loves company.
I try to remind my wife of that, so as not to drag others down with us.

[Miasmo]

I get the feeling that many women don't like to get involved in deep relationships if they don't see marriage or another type of understood partnership in the future. Please, please enlighten me if you see things differently.

I'm all for flings and one night stands, but I don't think that's what I need right now. I need someone that's looking to attach themselves to another being for awhile without thinking of the future or the past. I guess it's asking a lot, of any person, to forget about a little thing we humans call time. Simple exploration is often not enough to drown out the loud taunt of a metronome that echos in the minds of so many.

[Leia]

waxing poetic there, Miasma? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Miasmo]

It was the best way I felt I could get my point across. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif

[Leia]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[flo fett]

Originally posted by Count Dookie@Nov 19 2003, 11:35 PM







Don't knock marriage. I can be a wonderful thing. Good luck in what ever you choose in life....be happy that is what is most important.

I'm not knocking it! I did say in my post that it works for some people. And that's great! Just because I don't want to get married doesn't mean that I think it has less importance in the world. Human society needs things like marriage for all sorts of reasons legally, personally, religiously, and structurally. I just have the personal feeling, that in the society that I live in, marriage is less likely to bring happiness. I'm talking about living in a society where people do lose their identity when they get married. I'm talking about living in my society where the social attitudes make for unhappy reading. Not all places in the world though are like the place where I live. I'm happy that people are happy to get married. Anything that increases the overall happines levels of the world has got to be a good thing. Please don't misunderstand me. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif

I'm not saying either that you have to get married if you are together. But, if something were to happen to you your boyfriend/girlfriend has no legal right to speak for you. That would fall to your next of kin (Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, etc..).
I am entirely aware of the legal standing of my partner, this is why both of us have wills.

Getting married is not the end of the world. It does not replace who you are. It means that you choose to be together and put each other first. When children come into the picture (if that happens) then you are a united front when raising your children (in theory this is what is supposed to happen).
I choose to put my partner first anyway even without marriage, he is the singlemost important person to me. My only point was that marriage is not necessary for that. Not for me anyway. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif And as for children... well um let's just say no shall we (again As a disclaimer: I'd like to point out that I am again only referring to myself and also this does not mean that just because I don't want kids doesn't mean that I am a hideous child hater who would in some way eat other people's children. I like children well enough, I just like them being other peoples. )

Marriage means that you will work harder to maintain your relationship even during the bad times. I'm not saying that you don't work on your relationship
I should hope not.

By not being married it is an easier split if it does not work. I most states there is no common law husbands/wifes. It is much easier to go your seperate ways.
Common law operates in the Scottish Legal system which is different from British Law which affects England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Just because it's easier to go doesn't mean that you do. I've been through some hellish times in the past seven years and Andy has stuck by me every step of the way. He went through hell with my problems and there were times in the first two years when it looked as though we might part. If it was that easy to walk then why didn't he? Because it's the emotional attachment. If you don't have that then no piece of paper will keep you together. Marriage and relationship are both deeper than that.

Anyway Dookie, you know that I'm not trying to put marriage down. Good luck to all who want it and I hope I get invited to many weddings for many years to come. I hope to see all my friends happy marriage or not. I just don't think it's for me, and not because I'm not willing or able to have as as deep or fulfilling relationship as married people have. I think mine is about as deep as it gets he's seen me at rock bottom, broken and damaged, my soul naked and vulnerable. He's seen the dark in me and still loved me. Every piece of me. It's just my opinion (and his) that marriage couldn't add to what we have style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mellow.gif

[Count Dookie]

^Your honestly is enlightening. I don't think you are putting marriage down. You and your partner are a rare couple. In my line of work I see all the negativity involved with marriage and those that have chosen not to get married.

For me marriage is what is right. I wish nothing but the best and happiness with yourself and your partner.

I only hope that I had not struck a nerve with you or insulted you as that was not my intention.

[flo fett]

*looks sheepishly*
Sorry if I ranted on Dookie, I've just had so much cynical critcism in the past from people about how I choose to live my life. I know you weren't trying to insult me. I'm just being sensitive
*shyly hold hand out to the Count to shake*
Friends?

[Emerita]

Marriage? wow....uh..I had a bad experience and I have been divorced for 18 years. I guess you can say that I will not be married again....although I would love to know great se... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif opps...sorry, forgot where I was for a moment

[flo fett]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[T-bone]

i like being married - I just wish I could hit the MUTE button sometimes.

[Obidobi]

Women doesn't have a mute button on their control, T'Bone.....! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif

[RollaFett]

An obvious oversight, I might add! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

Anyway, as far as marriage goes, I've been married for over 4 and a half years and have no complaints at all. I love my wife now as much as ever have, and I'm pretty sure that feeling is mutual. I hope so, anyway. :whatsthat:

[Emerita]

Originally posted by Obidobi@Nov 29 2003, 06:58 PM
Women doesn't have a mute button on their control, T'Bone.....! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif
This is true, but some of us do have a few pleasure buttons. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/censored.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[T-bone]

This is true, but some of us do have a few pleasure buttons.

But you refuse to tell us where they are so...

[Emerita]

but isn't guessing half the fun? And besides, a gal has to keep sometings to herself..... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif

[T-bone]

but isn't guessing half the fun?

In a word, no.

[Miasmo]

I think too many people feel that an end to a marriage or partnership means failure. It is only a failure if you did not learn anything from it. A partnership should make you a better person when all is said and done. I also believe that some people learn all they feel they need to from their partner and decide to call it quits. I can understand this but many times the people involved do not. They feel something's missing and assume that it's the love. In a way it is, but I think the love in those cases has evolved into something closer to appreciation. A lot of times appreciation isn't enough to keep two people together.

[Marbleman]

That's very true. I wish people were more open to the idea that there is no "instant gratification love." If that were understood, break-ups would be less painful and the lessons learned could be better appreciated. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/scratchchin.gif

I know a couple that separated and they still appreciate and like each other, and they continue to look out for one another. They are still friends, because they did not let their emotions destroy that bond. Emotional attachment shouldn't be confused with love.

[Blizzard]

Originally posted by Miasma@Nov 30 2003, 03:23 PM
I think too many people feel that an end to a marriage or partnership means failure. It is only a failure if you did not learn anything from it. A partnership should make you a better person when all is said and done.
I totally agree. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup.gif

[Obi-Stu]

I've been married for nearly 6 years, and it's been great. Fortunately I married my best friend, which I think helps.

[Miasmo]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/music.gif talkin bout ma best friend... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/music.gif

[Miasmo]

Although I have many doubts about finding someone who will complete me, more than anything or anyone else could, I have to think that there's somebody out there for me. I mean, there has to be someone that thinks just the way I do; someone that's growing and changing in the same ways I am. But wait, there is an important factor that affects my pursuit of that person. Time. Yes, there's that pesky bugger again. I can't possibly expect to search everyone available, nor should I expect someone else to want to keep searching after they feel they've found something that can preserve their happiness during life. So is that what it's all about? Settling for someone with the assumption that you will probably not find something better in the future? Tick-tock, tick-tock...

[goodwije]

Well i have to say, just because someone does not think the exact same way, or react to things exactly as youmight, does not mean they are not hte right person for you.

You look for a person who makes you happy, who you enjoy being around, and then you put a lot of work into it. It's not about changing really, it is more about learning how to be in a team as opposed to a single player.

[Agent Sith]

how about moving to Utah and having 3 or more wives? sounds like a big bed to me style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[Luvinna]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/banghead.gif Why is it that I've heard more polygamy jokes in the three years since I moved away from Utah, then in the 23 years I lived there? :sarcasm:

[Blizzard]

I bet you don't hear many redneck jokes in the south, either.

I always wondered how people can live like that. Never seeing something good because they are always wondering if there is something better out there.

Also, you have to remember, no relationship will be perfect. Every one has it's ups and downs. As long as there are more ups than downs I think you'll have a good life together. Then again, all my relationships are 80% downers, so what do I know?

[Miasmo]

Originally posted by goodwije@Dec 2 2003, 07:39 AM
Well i have to say, just because someone does not think the exact same way, or react to things exactly as youmight, does not mean they are not hte right person for you.

You look for a person who makes you happy, who you enjoy being around, and then you put a lot of work into it. It's not about changing really, it is more about learning how to be in a team as opposed to a single player.
I'm just being practical. (note: miasma's views of practicality do not necessarily reflect the views of other males of the species or of the human race in general.) My past experience has led me to believe that someone will need to think the way I do if they are willing to stay with me for the rest of their life. Sure, they might have different views about certain things, but there are some important views that we need to see eye to eye on if we are going to devote ourselves to each other. I think my soul mate will have the same pattern of thought that I do, or one that compliments it perfectly.

[Miasmo]

Originally posted by Blizzard@Dec 2 2003, 12:11 PM
I bet you don't hear many redneck jokes in the south, either.
Yes, you do actually.

I always wondered how people can live like that. Never seeing something good because they are always wondering if there is something better out there.
It's human nature to wonder. It affects different people differently. Different people place importance on different things in different ways.

[bluemilk]

My past experience has led me to believe that someone will need to think the way I do if they are willing to stay with me for the rest of their life. Sure, they might have different views about certain things, but there are some important views that we need to see eye to eye on if we are going to devote ourselves to each other. I think my soul mate will have the same pattern of thought that I do, or one that compliments it perfectly.


I don't think you're view is wrong but what's right for you. I know I'm looking for my Luke Skywalker -- incredibly kind, adventerous and a bit charming style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/satisfied.gif I leave the Han Solos of the world to the rest of the women.

I've been married for nearly 6 years, and it's been great. Fortunately I married my best friend, which I think helps.

But it's also important we have a lot in common so we can have a bond. If I'm going to be with someone forever then they absolutely have to be my best friend and soulmate.

I'm lucky to have met my soulmate, Trent, and even though he moved away a few years ago, if he suddenly showed up tomorrow and asked me to marry him, I would in a heartbeat no questions asked. We never dated or anything but I would do or give anything for him and protect him because he's that special to me.

I don't really have a strong opinion for or against marriage. I could happily live a la Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell if that fit the relationship I was in. I guess you just know in your soul. I went to Alberta in the summer and stopped at a gas station in the Rocky Mountains. After putting gas in my car I went inside the store and bought water and orange juice. Anyways the attendant and I just smiled at each other as if we'd known each other all our lives. I remember every detail of that 5 minutes vividly. I know when I meet someone, if I feel that comfortable around them, I know it will be right and it won't matter if we are common law or married.

[Obi-Stu]

how about moving to Utah and having 3 or more wives? sounds like a big bed to me

What, and have three Mother-in-Laws style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif


Why is it that I've heard more polygamy jokes in the three years since I moved away from Utah, then in the 23 years I lived there?

That's the way it is, Luvinna.

[Miasmo]

It seems more likely everyday to me that I don't have a soulmate. I feel like I'm destined for a lifetime of relationships that teach me more about myself and my role in life. These relationships can't last unless I keep myself from changing, and that's just not gonna happen.

Maybe I'm just suffering from a case of the Christmas blues.

[Blizzard]

It's better to change and grow than to be stuck one way forever. They key is to find someone to change and grow with. Just don't look at every little problem as soemthing huge. You will do it, Miasma. Keep looking.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/grouphug.gif

[Blizzard]

So tell us, Miasma, what do you have to offer? The women are listening. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

[Darth_Badman]

I don't like the idea of marriage. All it's done so far is take away my drinking buddies and made them so eeeehhh, family orientated. I am a bad influence too. At least according to my friend's wife anyway.

[Blizzard]

Representing: All the Chicks with Homeys and the 40's with Beepers

You represent chicks?

Get married so your friends' wives have someone to gossip to/about and they will leave you alone. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

[goodwije]

I have felt simular many times in my life Miasma.. don't freak you will be what 24 this year, still plenty of time. I didn't meet Rich until i was 25 and my sister didn't meet her fiance until 29. Life is just beginning for everyone one of us (Even Blizz style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif) If you truely wish for someone to share your life with, and some people do not and there is nothing wrong with that either, it will happen when you least expect it.

[Otis_Frampton]

you will be what 24 this year, still plenty of time

Totally agree. My marriage just ended, I'm 31, and I still feel very young. The possibilities are endless.

But I know how you can feel that way in your 20s. It's odd that in your teens you feel immortal, but when you hit your mid-20's you start to think, "I'm not gonna make it". Life is weird that way.

You'll be fine. Trust me.

-Otis

[goodwije]

Originally posted by Otis_Frampton@Dec 19 2003, 04:48 PM
I'm 31, and I still feel very young. The possibilities are endless.
I turn 30 in a couple of monthes and i do not feel it at all, well i might get a little more sore than i used to after work or paying sports or whatever, but generally i feel like my life is just beginning.

[Otis_Frampton]

I just turned 31, and feel younger than I did at 21.

It's bizarre.

-Otis

[Blizzard]

Originally posted by Otis_Frampton@Dec 19 2003, 04:56 PM
I just turned 31, and feel younger than I did at 21.

It's bizarre.

-Otis
Wow, same here. In my 20's I was always bedridden with backaches all the time. Now I am 37 and I run for the bus every morning and chase kids around at school all day and don't have any problem (knock on wood). I feel very young.

The guys are right. I probably said it before, but my life began at 33 when I got rid of the prick I was dating for 20 years. My life has just started and since I took control it has been pretty good, even if none of the guys I have dated in the last 4 years has worked out.

[Otis_Frampton]

Old people of the world unite! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cool.gif

-Otis

[Emerita]

Well, I just turned 53 and I am lately thinking that maybe it is not to late for me to have a soulmate, although I don't see him.... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/huh.gif but I feel if he is out there he will find me and I will know right away if he is worth my affection. Although I don't look or feel 53, never the less, I am and the funny thing is all the younger guys 23-35, all say they like older women. I have been turning down dates because of the age difference, thinking that they were looking for a mother figure or looking for a free ride financially....but my daughter says that is not true in most cases. I have been waiting for a man my age as a soulmate and now I am wondering if I am keeping my field of vision to narrow. My youngest son is living with a woman that is 14 years older than he is and they are great together and she tells me all the time that age doesn't matter....but I guess I just feel weird dating guys my children's ages..... style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif Am I being old fashioned about this? I mean after all.... OLDER CHICKS RULE!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/w00t.gif

[Otis_Frampton]

all the younger guys 23-35, all say they like older women

Yes indeed we do, milady.

-Otis

[goodwije]

Originally posted by Emerita@Dec 19 2003, 05:59 PM
Am I being old fashioned about this? I mean after all.... OLDER CHICKS RULE!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/w00t.gif
Well i don't think you are old fasioned, you seem very open minded about it to me. If you are not comfortable dating someone younger than you shouldn't, however if you are turning younger guys down ONLY because they are younger, maybe you should look twice. My advice, for what it is worth, is try it, go out a few times with one of these younger gentlemen and see if it is something you enjoy, if your interests coincide, and if age really makes a difference.

[Blizzard]

Ooooh, never turn down young studs!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/w00t.gif

When I started dating at 33 I went out with guys 28, 27, 25, 22 and 21. Not all at the same time. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif Oh the fun!

Oh, we were talking soulmates.... Nevermind. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/bigsmile.gif

[goodwije]

Originally posted by Blizzard@Dec 19 2003, 07:02 PM
I went out with guys 28, 27, 25, 22 and 21. Not all at the same time. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif
All the same time might be even more fun. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif

[Blizzard]

Originally posted by goodwije@Dec 19 2003, 07:05 PM
All the same time might be even more fun. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif
Well Duh! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wub.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Javen]

I tried so badly once to go out with twins. I mean would me marrying both, really be bigamy? I went out with one of them but the other one wouldn't give me the time or day. I was like come on, your her twin, you must like me.

[Emerita]

You guys have a way of making me feel good...LOL... I guess trying on a few young studs is a good way to wait out for the soulmate...LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif

[Miasmo]

Well I'm really keeping my options open. By that I mean I am willing to accept the idea that my 'soulmate' might be a man, woman, tree or donkey.

And what does Miasma have to offer the ladies? You know... I've never asked myself that question. That's a real doozy.

[bluemilk]

^ *lol*

yeah I hear ya, man. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif I thought about what I offer and I realized that I'm so screwed! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

Fantasy: Some man walks proudly in the room look to his side and sees a beautiful victoria's secret angel in a killer black dress by his side.

Reality: Some man walks in the room looks to his side as sees... a 28 year old computer geek with steel-toed sh*tkickers, baggy jeans and a Metallica tshirt and two tickets to both Celebration III and the Trek Convention style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

yeah so my point is I guess you just got to smile at yourself and like yourself despite how eccentric you seem even if it doesn't get you on the A list! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif

I think it's hilarious that I have more in common with 21 year old men then I do men and women my age.

[Miasmo]

Originally posted by bluemilk@Dec 19 2003, 09:00 PM
I think it's hilarious that I have more in common with 21 year old men then I do men and women my age.
I find it hilarious, no, hi-larious that I have more in common with rocks and donkeys than I do with any of the human beings I meet. Ok, I'm exaggerating... a little bit. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mellow.gif

I could never promote myself though. I just do my own thing and look out for deer caught in my headlights. I also tend to attract parasites from time to time.

I'm not freaking out though. Said I might have a case of the Christmas blues, not the Christmas freakouts. I just don't have the energy for freakouts right now. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/unsure.gif

[bluemilk]

auww well if I could I'd give you a hug and a plate of my unique holiday M&M sugar cookies style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Holiday M&M sugar cookies and a little KOTOR or JK III would make you feel a bit better :yodaxmas:

[Blizzard]

Originally posted by bluemilk@Dec 19 2003, 10:00 PM
I think it's hilarious that I have more in common with 21 year old men then I do men and women my age.
Girl, I know the feeling!!!!

Good, no freakouts. I don't want to start freaking out, too. I have no one this X-mas, except for my son (who just beat me at Star Wars Monopoly the little ####). But that's all I think I need right now. Men just give me grief lately.

Weird thing, young men and older women are very similar. They are both in their sexual prime and both hate to be smothered. Makes it easy to get along, but doesn't exactly equal a soulmate.

[bluemilk]

Originally posted by Blizzard+Dec 19 2003, 09:54 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Blizzard @ Dec 19 2003, 09:54 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'> <!--QuoteBegin-bluemilk@Dec 19 2003, 10:00 PM
I think it's hilarious that I have more in common with 21 year old men then I do men and women my age.
Girl, I know the feeling!!!! [/b][/quote]
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

perhaps marriage just isn't in the cards. Men my age and a bit older find me and my interests to be immature. On the flipside even though I love hanging around with young guys because they like the same stuff as I do, romantically and emotionally they are too young for me.

The trick is to find that one person that just absolutely 100% "gets" you. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif the ulimate soulmate, best friend, lover that just fits perfectly.

[Justin]

Originally posted by Javen@Dec 20 2003, 12:21 AM
I tried so badly once to go out with twins. I mean would me marrying both, really be bigamy? I went out with one of them but the other one wouldn't give me the time or day. I was like come on, your her twin, you must like me.
This has to be the funniest post I've read in a long time. Javen rules.

[Justin]

Good luck.

[Darth_Badman]

Riiiiiight. So, any single ladies wanna get married? I've got my own apartment...with toaster oven.....mu ha ha ha ha

[flo fett]

Originally posted by Emerita@Dec 20 2003, 12:22 AM
You guys have a way of making me feel good...LOL... I guess trying on a few young studs is a good way to wait out for the soulmate...LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif
Well you know, you've got to keep all the equipment in working order for when he shows up. If you don't use it, you lose it! Go get some tenderloin woman!!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[flo fett]

Originally posted by Darth_Badman@Dec 30 2003, 06:04 AM
Riiiiiight. So, any single ladies wanna get married? I've got my own apartment...with toaster oven.....mu ha ha ha ha
You cetainly know how to advertise yourself badman! What woman could resist an offer like that? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif

[Miasmo]

Well, I've stopped for now. I've stopped searching for a soulmate and I've stopped contemplating the need for one. Whatever will be, will be. If I die alone, so be it.

Cheers. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[Leia]

That was optimistic... Yeah, I don't think you should worry too much until, bam, the right one comes along style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[Miasmo]

However, I did run across a very attractive looking tree (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6909) the other day...

[Leia]

It keeps coming back! Make it stop, make it stop! lol

[T-bone]

reopened.

[Miasmo]

Thanks, T, for reopening.

I requested this mainly because I'd like to discuss marital problems and counseling at the moment, but more views on marriage in general are obviously still quite welcome.

My sister's family is experiencing some difficulties and have been for quite some time, so it's wrapped up more than just her and her husband and kids. They've gone so long without really tackling major issues and correcting problems that it's become almost impossible to rationally talk about things. There is little compromise.

I thought some insight by those married couples out there that have triumphed in the face of difficulty could help me out so I can try and help them.

I also know there may be some difficulties around Valentine's Day since there's so much pressure to make a fuss over your significant other, and when actions are forced, problems tend to occur.

[Sargoth]

I've always rationalized it this way: A healthy marriage is 99% blissful happiness, 1% having your genitals devoured by fire ants. If you can survive that 1%, everything else works itself out.

[Solo]

I got married last may which means I have been married for about 9 months now. I met my wife in my cousin's wedding and we started seeing each other, even though our cities were 500 km apart. One weekend I was going to see her and next weekend she was coming to see me. We went on a short vacation, just 10 days, no more. Finally I proposed in a park, while we were sitting near a pond under the trees and she accepted with tears in her eyes.

Marriage is entirely different from single life. I mean getting married is making a declaration to everyone that you belong to each other and plan to continue with your lives together.

Marriage is making sacrifices. I mean you have to watch a sopa opera you hate, just because she loves to watch it with you or she has to clean your SW models or collectibles with great care, because she knows that they are important for you.

Marriage is a port for two lonely ships running from the storm. However you must make a good decision and you must forget the word "I" and replace it with "We" in order to have a good marriage.

I am a happy man so far, except some bumps and bruises I took on the way and these are all my opinions, but I have to tell this, so far married life seems better than my single life.

[cj790]

I married a girl I had been seeing for 5 years, and had been living with for 4. We did everything together, and were best friends. We both made sacrifices for each other, and we both tried hard to make it work.
However we both kept secrets from each other, and at the end of the day, despite being very happy for a while, we were both just not suited for each other. It is only with a distance that I now see that.
Sometimes, no matter how much you try to make things work, and no matter how happy you have been, some things just shouldn't be. People lead other lives from their partner sometimes to show that they are not 100%; a good marriage IMHO could not have that divide. I'm not suggesting that partners should do everything together and be inseperable; but there is a difference between having time to yourself and being a different person under diffrerent circumstances.

[Master Cephus]

to throw my two cents in...

I have been married for about 3.5 years now. I dated my wife for about 4.5 years before we were married. I can honestly say that the only way we have stayed together is that we keep nothing from each other. She is not only my wife, but my best friend. She knows exactly what I am thinking and feeling even if I say nothing and vice versa.

It's not something that magically happens. We had tough times in the beginning of our relationship. I think one of the biggest things to realize that a woman thinks, talks, acts, etc differently than a guy. When she says something like "I have nothing to wear!", she means that she has nothing new to wear. When we as men say "I have nothing to wear!" we mean that we have nothing clean.

We are on different wave lengths. Neither side is right or wrong, just different. I said all that to say this: My wife and I had to learn what each other mean when we say things, and that takes time and patience. I have never felt closer to my wife and I know that it's only going to get better.

Never cheat! As Paul Newman famously said: "I have steak at home. Why should I go out for hamburger?"

[Jedi Master Harrison]

Marriage is making sacrifices. I mean you have to watch a sopa opera you hate, just because she loves to watch it with you or she has to clean your SW models or collectibles with great care, because she knows that they are important for you.

Now, I know you didn't mean it this way Solo, but it just amused me when I read it this way. You're saying that the worst thing you have to do is watch tv, while your wife has to do all the cleaning! :rofl:

I'm only kidding before I get a mountain of hate PM's from ladies! You shouldn't just do cleaning. You should cook too! :tease:

Needless to say, I am single. :wink: :lol:

[Kam Solusar]

I've been married less than a year, but I lived with my now wife for long enough, and really, the living together is the hardest part. Most couples seem to have most of their problems at the root from finances, and we worked out ours long ago. We're partners, and therefore we work out as finances as partners. We both have our own checking accounts, and a joint account. Our paychecks get put in our personal accounts, and we feed the joint account with our bill payment money, which we split. That leaves us both with personal money for our own expenditures, and it takes care of what needs to get taken care of. The rest is just gravy because of love. ;)

[Sargoth]

^That's really interesting. My wife & I have always shared a single account (Married for 6yrs, together for 10). She only works part-time (so she can stay home with the baby). But even if she were to work full-time, her current earning potential is only about a third of mine. Separate accounts simply never have been practical for us. Of course, this leads us to some very interesting argu^H^H^Hdiscussions at times (e.g. "What do you mean, you spent $40 to have your eyebrows colored?!?!"), but it does help to ensure that we're both on the same page with our long-term goals.

Many of the couples that we've known who have tried separate accounts usually have either trust or spending issues (one likes to save, the other likes to spend). You're the first person I've talked to that seems to really be comfortable (long term) with the arrangement. I'm curious to know how you guys work out the details of it.

[Sarah-Leia]

I am not married. Not sure about my future, yet. Lily, though, insists that my last name is Solo.
:rolleyes:

[T-bone]

So this May 25th of 2007 is a big day, eh?

30th Anniversary of Star Wars you say? Screw that.

I will be married for 10 years on that day. A decade of (mostly) pure bliss! :like::scratchchin:yea:like:

[T-bone]

I've been married less than a year, but I lived with my now wife for long enough, and really, the living together is the hardest part. Most couples seem to have most of their problems at the root from finances, and we worked out ours long ago. We're partners, and therefore we work out as finances as partners. We both have our own checking accounts, and a joint account. Our paychecks get put in our personal accounts, and we feed the joint account with our bill payment money, which we split. That leaves us both with personal money for our own expenditures, and it takes care of what needs to get taken care of. The rest is just gravy because of love. ;)

we grew out of that separate accounts thing after a year or two - it just doesn't work after a while when you start throwing kids and stuff into the mix...eek.

[Kam Solusar]

Well, we don't have kids yet, and with the internet making it really easy to shift funds back and forth between accounts, it's not that frustrating of an arrangement.

[Solo]

So this May 25th of 2007 is a big day, eh?

30th Anniversary of Star Wars you say? Screw that.

I will be married for 10 years on that day. A decade of (mostly) pure bliss! :like::scratchchin:yea:like:

:) Congratulations. I hope you will see the 50th anniversary.

[RedMirax]

I have now been married 1 year and 22 days! LOL

I never considered having separate accounts, although we were both pretty much established with our own since we didn't get married until in our 30's. It's easier with just one. So far we've been able to work everything out and there hasn't been any HUGE tangles. I hate arguing and getting upset and I can't stay that way with him for long. At least not yet! ;)

[RollaFett]

Okay, I'll share.
Miasmo, you asked about overcoming big problems within a marriage? Well, here's mine.
2 1/2 years ago, I got a pretty good paying job with good benefits, guaranteed pay raises, etc. The trouble was that it had lousy hours. Ususally I would begin my shift in the middle of the night and end in the early afternoon. Plus, it was located about an hour and half away. Well, about 8 months in, it became obvious to both me and my wife that the money simply wasn't worth it. I'd be leaving for work as my wife came home from her job and come home from work as she would leave for her job. That flat lout sucked and we both hated it. I decided I would look for a temporary job (bartending or something else I had done in the past) that paid enough and was closer to home while I looked for something more along the lines of my career path (tv).
So, I found a bartending job and quit the crappy job. This was spring of '05. Come the fall, I still hadn't found another tv job and the bar job was going badly. Hours were cut, money was bad, etc. I tried finding other jobs, and had no luck. I knew I had to pratically start from scratch to get my career going again and there was no way my wife would be able to sit by and accept that. I was feeling more and more like a complete loser and I definately had the overwhelming feeling that my wife was looking at me the same way. She'd stay out late after work with her friends, and even when she came home after work, it was usually just to drop something off or to change before heading right back out. Again, I felt like a complete failure. So much so that I made a major deciscion.
I was going to leave her.
In my mind, there was no way I could start from scratch while still being with my wife. It wasn't fair to her to put her through that sort of financial strain, especially since I was the one who caused the strain by quitting the crappy, but well paying job to begin with. Plus, I was absolutely certain that she didn't love me the way she used to and I couldn't blame her. I had become a failure. For the benefit of the both of us, I had to leave.
I told her this one night and shocked her. She asked me at one point if I still loved her. I said, I wasn't sure, and did she still love me. She quickly answered that she did. That shocked me. I had completely convinced myself that that wasn't the case, and that surely factored into my unsureness about loving her and wanting to leave.
I broke her heart that night.
The next day, I knew what I had to do. I had to stay. I was basing my deciscion on feelings I had, but not facts. If my wife still loved me, why would I abandon that? Of course I still loved her, I was thinking I didn't because I was sure she didn't as well, and I was dead wrong.
Somehow, she accepted me staying. I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised after breaking her heart if she had simply ordered me to leave at that point. I deserved no less. She didn't, and I'll be eternally grateful for that. And, always wondering if she's ever fully forgiven me. Another thing I'm not sure I'll ever quite deserve.
Well, that was January of '06. A couple of weeks later, I got a part time job at a local tv station to supplement my bar income. 3 months later, I got a brand new job at a different local tv station that paid decent and had great hours and have been working there ever since.
My wife and I love each other. We say it with meaning more often than I can ever remember in nearly 8 years of marriage and I am so happy to not have thrown all of it away by going with a 'feeling'.
What is the moral of this story, you may ask? Communication. If you ever feel as though there is something wrong in your relationship, you must absolutely talk about it. I was going to leave my wife because I had convinced myself of things that were untrue based on nothing more than the fact that I was feeling sorry for myself. I should have gotten over my misery and asked my wife how she was dealing with my employment woes.
Always talk about it, no matter what it is. Never make assumptions, because there's a damn good chance you're wrong. I did that, and it nearly cost me the best thing in my life, my wife. Now, as a result, she may never truly trust me again and I caused that.

[Miasmo]

Thank you for sharing, Rolla. That took some courage. I'm glad things have not fallen apart. I agree that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. But it's been said so often, I think many people start to ignore that advice.

[RollaFett]

No problem. And yes, things have not fallen apart, and despite the uncertainty over how much she may trust me now, I don't think things will fall apart in the future either. In fact, we've had our most open discussion about children recently, and it's safe to say that it's a direction we'll be heading in in the near future most likely.
As far as communication goes, you're right. It seems like a cliche and as a result can be so easily ignored. Trust me, I know.

[catwmnjedi]

Lots of people here not married very long, but optimistic, which is good. I've been married for 10 years like T-Bone, but this is my second one. I found it hard to find a guy who wanted to marry a female engineer. Partly because I'm somewhat successful, partly because I don't think entirely like a "normal" girl (ie, the whole Star Wars thing and other geek-girl abnormalities). I always got along better with guys and have many guy friends - after all, I went to college with mostly guys and work with mostly guys... it causes a little weirdness now and then, but hubby has gotten used to it. He's friends with most of my guy friends now too.

He is a personal trainer/body-builder, about as far away as one can get from an engineer. He doesn't make much money in that field (at least not here in the midwest) but fortunately he's not materialistic at all. Our biggest issue right now is not having much time to spend together. We have kids too, so we're busy with their activities besides our work. One lucky thing for me... he's supportive of my hobbies and interests - he insisted I go to LA with one of my daughters to C4. What a guy! In return I put up with his body-building shows and cheer him on and help him shave and put that yucky fake tanning stuff on... sorry TMI, but just pointing out that there is some sacrificing on my part to be supportive of all that. (I can't complain too much cuz he has an awesome body, but it's hard for me to keep up on my end, still I try).

Anyway, lots of sacrifice, lots of work, and needing to be able to be content sometimes when there isn't much time for romance. We are so opposite we sometimes drive each other nuts, but when we argue or fight, it doesn't last very long - we like making up too much. Every once in awhile we renew by taking a vacation without the kids and that really helps. I think once the last one leaves home in 10 years we'll be able to reconnect and have more fun together again. That's my hope anyway.

-- Cat

[nefertiti]

I failed. Don't fall over...but 3 times. I was too independent and to selfish to turn my life around and share.... Never got past the 1 year mark...should have know better after 2 but took the dive again...what an idiot. And let me tell you...divorce is expensive.....

[catwmnjedi]

Aw, don't feel bad Nef! You tried and it didn't work... it's hard and not for everybody. If something happened to my marriage now, I wouldn't get married again. At least I wouldn't be looking to.

Just don't beat yourself up about it. I admire you for being able to admit it, though. :)

[kopernikuz]

Cool thread, interesting to hear everyone's stories. Here's my sitch:

I've been married just short of 14 years now and we have six beautiful children. When we first got married I worked three jobs just to make things work, my wife got pregnant in the first two months and therefore had our first child before we celebrated our first anniversary... while I love my son tremendously... my advice to anyone is to give yourself at least a year or two before doing this. While we made it, I definitely think we could've benefitted as a couple greatly from more time as a couple before we were parents. Part of this comes from us having our second child so quickly after. My second child is a daughter and she is only 11 months younger than my first son. They're like twins, and everyone asks us if they are because they're so close in age.

Anyway, as I said, I had three jobs in those early years and finances were incredibly tight and caused a lot of hardships that weighed heavily on us. We both have changed a lot over 14 years, sometimes not for the better and there have been many times we've had arguments that we both felt were going to tear us apart.

For us, however, there is one thing that we have held onto. We are both children of divorce and we know the impact it can have on children. We have both committed to each other that divorce is not an option... that no matter how we may have changed... we know that what it is that brought us together in the first place, our love, has not...

It just takes effort... concerted, committed effort... from both parties to keep it working. People fall in love and jump to conclusions and think that their marriage will last based on those feelings alone... but love is more than a feeling... it's an action. It's an effort that you must engage in even when you don't feel like it. It's recognizing that even though you might not "like" your spouse right now in a situation... you are going to be committed to "love" them with your actions, not just your heart.

Granted, for many, this may be our wish, but their spouse lacks the same fortitude. It can only work with mutual commitment obviously. It didn't work for my parents... it didn't work for my mom twice. Sometimes it's all you can do to just try, but it's not always going to happen.

Anyway... I'm grateful that my wife has chosen to be as committed as me. I'm sure our children are too, even though they sometimes suffer the most when things get hairy... the joy on their faces when they see "we're okay" even after we fight reminds me how important it is to persevere. You're going to fight. You're going to disagree. You're going to yell. You're going to cry. But you have to share the responsibility to persevere. My prayer is that they will see how we overcame disagreements, obstacles, hardships, anger, and sorrow to preserve the love we share... and mimic it in their own relationships.

[Master Cephus]

quick question:

Do you guys think that marriage often fails (let's say the ones that last less than 2 years) due to people falling into lust for one another and not real love?

[kopernikuz]

I know too many people personally where this is the case to not think it's a trend. I think a lot of relationships are based on "feelings" that soon fade once the reality of truly committing to one another sets in. No doubt often those "feelings" are often sexual in nature rather than actual love or caring for another.

[nefertiti]

Kop...Wow! Wonderful story, thank you for sharing. Made me think about what I have missed. I think I started to late to find that, but I'm glad that it's still out there...

Cephus...I think that it's the most common infraction...but not the real reason. Perhaps there wasn't a real committment or the union was for other reasons.

I think marriage takes a lot of hard work. Lots of talk. Trust. Belief in one another. I don't necessarily think that one must be more important than the other or that one deserved more (or less) than the other. There is something in a couple that clicks and 80 percent of the time they each satisfy the other - in all ways. Eh...what do I know....it's what I'd like to believe as far as marriage and relationships. Too many romance novels.... LoL!

[RedMirax]

I think that can be true, Cephas. My husband and I knew each other for 3 &1/2 years before we got married. We were friends first, then started dating. We already had things in common and had talked about different things before we even dated. I think it helps that I am a sports geek, too! ;)

[RollaFett]

^Sports and Star Wars? Where were you 9 years ago? Oh, that's right , you're a Cowboys fan. Nevermind.

[RedMirax]

^ And my husband is a Redskins fan and we still get along! LOL

[RollaFett]

Wow. I hope he doesn't like Star Trek.

[Sargoth]

Do you guys think that marriage often fails due to people falling into lust for one another and not real love?


The two aren't mutually exclusive. For my wife and I, lust kicked in on the second date. Love took a little longer. We certainly wouldn't have lasted for ten years without a healthy amount of both. :devil:

my wife got pregnant in the first two months and therefore had our first child before we celebrated our first anniversary... while I love my son tremendously... my advice to anyone is to give yourself at least a year or two before doing this.

I hear that. My wife's son was 4 when we started dating: Insta-family, just add Sargoth. It wasn't an easy road, by any stretch.

[kopernikuz]

I hear that. My wife's son was 4 when we started dating: Insta-family, just add Sargoth. It wasn't an easy road, by any stretch.
I can imagine that was hard. It would seem you not only had to try to nurture a relationship with a new wife, but with a new son as well. At four he was probably getting used to his family being just mom and him, and then along comes this new guy in the mix. Do you mind me asking how that went? I know when my mom married my stepdad, I was only six and I was NOT happy about it, and was going to make it as hard as I could.

[RollaFett]

My sister had a quick failed first marriage, with no kids involved. About a year after the divorce, she married a guy who had 3 kids. And then they had a child of their own shortly therafter. I can't imagine how awkward that must have been at first.

[RedMirax]

bump