flo fett
04-10-2008, 09:16 PM
Well, Jack wanted to read it so here it is in its dismal glory, bad grammer, over complicated title and all.
See there was this competition on another forum, where you had to submit an example of bad fan fiction, now most entries so far have seemed to go down just the bad spelling route, but for me that seems a little too easy and a bit of a cop out. To me, the truly horrible fan fictions are the ones with totally inappropriate crossovers, flat endings, lame dialogue and soppy unbelievable fangirl/boy romances, Mary-janes ahoy and the like. This is what I have tried to accomplish with this story.
So against my better instincts, here it is...my entry...my bad fan fiction.
Title:An Anthropomorphic Personification of Repressed Sexual Desire and Guilt for All Seasons Genre: A Pride and Prejudice/Silent Hill crossover.
Rating: PG
Elizabeth Bennett sighed prettily and tried to read her page for the umpteenth time, she had managed to avoid attending church with the Collinses due to her unfortunate bout of the Clap. She scratched and the door was knocked.
‘Who could that be?’ she breathed putting her book down.
She found out immediately when the maid let the visitor into the small parlour. A huge helmeted man nodded to her, dragging a Great Knife behind him. He looked familiar she thought but she could not place his helmet.
‘Greetings Meatbag, In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you’ said Pyramid Head. He shuffled slightly as gore dripped from his apron onto the expensive Persian rug.
‘You appear to be leaking good sir,’ said Elizabeth.
‘Silence baggage!’ boomed Pyramid Head, trying to wipe his apron surreptitiously on the curtains. ‘Tis the remains of my last vict…um…ah…wife. She was the leaky sort.’
Elizabeth had a quick scratch while he was busy. The helmeted one turned to her.
‘I come to ask for your hand in marriage.’
Elizabeth was aghast, she was beyond amazement, agog even, so much so that her mouth gaped crazily, so much so that her bosoms strained against her bodice. The buttons looked dangerous. Pyramid Head was glad he wore a helmet.
‘But you are a monster!’ she trilled.
‘I am but a poor little lamb, lost along the way,’ said Pyramid Head eyeing up the valuable grandfather clock,
‘You tear the skin off vulnerable young women,’ quavered Elizabeth, draping herself in a swoon that showed off her delicate ankles. Pyramid Head admired the bones.
‘Pah!’ he waved the Great Knife dismissively, disemboweling the cat. ‘Mere trifles.’ He shouted sexily. ‘Anyway that was only once.’
Elizabeth ran to him and hit him a ringing blow across the helmet. The doinging went on for some time and Elizabeth sucked her knuckles.
‘You are the last man in the world whom I could ever marry!’ she laughed and pointed her bosoms at him. The buttons wobbled.
When Pyramid Head could hear again he replied.
‘Tawdry Skinbag! I am the last man, well, anthropomorphic personification of James Sunderland’s repressed sexual desire and guilt, in the world as I have killed all the rest!’
‘What?’ squealed Elizabeth bending over with her bottom exposed to pick up a liver which had dropped out of his pocket, handing it back to him before it could stain the parquet flooring, ‘Even Mr Darcy?’
‘Mr Darcy is now in the past tense.’ Said Pyramid HeadHhHea
Head, ‘That is his liver you hold.’
‘Then I shall wear it always,’ twittered Elizabeth pinning it to her breast, but not her real breast, only the front of her dress. Pyramid Head admired her flesh.
‘If you will not be mine by choice, then I will take what I want!’ Said the monster waving the Great Knife about, disemboweling the maid who had come to see if anyone wanted a cup of tea.
‘You will not have me!’ challenged Elizabeth, undoing her top button. ‘I will resist with my last breath! Take me if you can!’
Pyramid Head put the last of the silver cutlery from the dresser drawer into his apron pocket and turned to his object of desire.
‘Last breath eh?’ he grinned and tried to kiss her..
Pyramid Head finally managed to bring Elizabeth back round by upending the chamber pot over her. Her face was beginning to bruise where he had whacked her royally with the front of his helmet.
‘That happened to me at camp once,’ he confessed, helping her onto the settee. ‘My helmet got entangled with the girl’s braces.’
‘How did you get apart?’ wavered Elizabeth undoing another button.
‘I cut her face off.’ Said Pyramid Head, ‘It took me ages to get her lips out of my rivets.’
‘Oh OH I am undone!’ shouted Elizabeth, running her hand up and down the monster’s blood stained chest.
‘I will ravish you like a particularly fine set of demonic mannequin legs…’ he thought for a moment of the fine legs that crawled grotesquely though the hallways of Silent Hill, ah good times, he thought fondly, good times.
‘No no!’ said Elizabeth struggling to get her petticoats off.
‘Be mine!’ shouted Pyramid Head, his voice echoing slightly in an altogether becoming fashion. ‘I will let you play with my knife!’ he held out his hand where it lay.
Elizabeth stopped, her hand on her knicker elastic, the itching was beginning to annoy her.
She eyed his Great Kinfe, ‘It looks very dangerous,’ she thrilled and tried to fondle it. Alas the knife was too great and when Pyramid Head let it go it crushed her flat.
Pyramid Head stared for a moment at Elizabeth’s gooey corpse, she had never looked so beautiful. Her legs in particular…
‘Waste not want not,’ he said with a shrug and dragged her stickily towards the door.
See there was this competition on another forum, where you had to submit an example of bad fan fiction, now most entries so far have seemed to go down just the bad spelling route, but for me that seems a little too easy and a bit of a cop out. To me, the truly horrible fan fictions are the ones with totally inappropriate crossovers, flat endings, lame dialogue and soppy unbelievable fangirl/boy romances, Mary-janes ahoy and the like. This is what I have tried to accomplish with this story.
So against my better instincts, here it is...my entry...my bad fan fiction.
Title:An Anthropomorphic Personification of Repressed Sexual Desire and Guilt for All Seasons Genre: A Pride and Prejudice/Silent Hill crossover.
Rating: PG
Elizabeth Bennett sighed prettily and tried to read her page for the umpteenth time, she had managed to avoid attending church with the Collinses due to her unfortunate bout of the Clap. She scratched and the door was knocked.
‘Who could that be?’ she breathed putting her book down.
She found out immediately when the maid let the visitor into the small parlour. A huge helmeted man nodded to her, dragging a Great Knife behind him. He looked familiar she thought but she could not place his helmet.
‘Greetings Meatbag, In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you’ said Pyramid Head. He shuffled slightly as gore dripped from his apron onto the expensive Persian rug.
‘You appear to be leaking good sir,’ said Elizabeth.
‘Silence baggage!’ boomed Pyramid Head, trying to wipe his apron surreptitiously on the curtains. ‘Tis the remains of my last vict…um…ah…wife. She was the leaky sort.’
Elizabeth had a quick scratch while he was busy. The helmeted one turned to her.
‘I come to ask for your hand in marriage.’
Elizabeth was aghast, she was beyond amazement, agog even, so much so that her mouth gaped crazily, so much so that her bosoms strained against her bodice. The buttons looked dangerous. Pyramid Head was glad he wore a helmet.
‘But you are a monster!’ she trilled.
‘I am but a poor little lamb, lost along the way,’ said Pyramid Head eyeing up the valuable grandfather clock,
‘You tear the skin off vulnerable young women,’ quavered Elizabeth, draping herself in a swoon that showed off her delicate ankles. Pyramid Head admired the bones.
‘Pah!’ he waved the Great Knife dismissively, disemboweling the cat. ‘Mere trifles.’ He shouted sexily. ‘Anyway that was only once.’
Elizabeth ran to him and hit him a ringing blow across the helmet. The doinging went on for some time and Elizabeth sucked her knuckles.
‘You are the last man in the world whom I could ever marry!’ she laughed and pointed her bosoms at him. The buttons wobbled.
When Pyramid Head could hear again he replied.
‘Tawdry Skinbag! I am the last man, well, anthropomorphic personification of James Sunderland’s repressed sexual desire and guilt, in the world as I have killed all the rest!’
‘What?’ squealed Elizabeth bending over with her bottom exposed to pick up a liver which had dropped out of his pocket, handing it back to him before it could stain the parquet flooring, ‘Even Mr Darcy?’
‘Mr Darcy is now in the past tense.’ Said Pyramid HeadHhHea
Head, ‘That is his liver you hold.’
‘Then I shall wear it always,’ twittered Elizabeth pinning it to her breast, but not her real breast, only the front of her dress. Pyramid Head admired her flesh.
‘If you will not be mine by choice, then I will take what I want!’ Said the monster waving the Great Knife about, disemboweling the maid who had come to see if anyone wanted a cup of tea.
‘You will not have me!’ challenged Elizabeth, undoing her top button. ‘I will resist with my last breath! Take me if you can!’
Pyramid Head put the last of the silver cutlery from the dresser drawer into his apron pocket and turned to his object of desire.
‘Last breath eh?’ he grinned and tried to kiss her..
Pyramid Head finally managed to bring Elizabeth back round by upending the chamber pot over her. Her face was beginning to bruise where he had whacked her royally with the front of his helmet.
‘That happened to me at camp once,’ he confessed, helping her onto the settee. ‘My helmet got entangled with the girl’s braces.’
‘How did you get apart?’ wavered Elizabeth undoing another button.
‘I cut her face off.’ Said Pyramid Head, ‘It took me ages to get her lips out of my rivets.’
‘Oh OH I am undone!’ shouted Elizabeth, running her hand up and down the monster’s blood stained chest.
‘I will ravish you like a particularly fine set of demonic mannequin legs…’ he thought for a moment of the fine legs that crawled grotesquely though the hallways of Silent Hill, ah good times, he thought fondly, good times.
‘No no!’ said Elizabeth struggling to get her petticoats off.
‘Be mine!’ shouted Pyramid Head, his voice echoing slightly in an altogether becoming fashion. ‘I will let you play with my knife!’ he held out his hand where it lay.
Elizabeth stopped, her hand on her knicker elastic, the itching was beginning to annoy her.
She eyed his Great Kinfe, ‘It looks very dangerous,’ she thrilled and tried to fondle it. Alas the knife was too great and when Pyramid Head let it go it crushed her flat.
Pyramid Head stared for a moment at Elizabeth’s gooey corpse, she had never looked so beautiful. Her legs in particular…
‘Waste not want not,’ he said with a shrug and dragged her stickily towards the door.