Konig15
03-19-2008, 09:34 AM
Anyone care to comment on this? Style, puntcuation, storyline, anything at all? Just trying to improve my writing.
Tatooine Savior
Prolog
“Stand by, Chewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines.”
I personally wanted to die. I wanted to kill, and mostly I wanted to flay Luke alive for being so accepting. Mom was dead, Sarah was surely dead, Dad was missing, our farm was burnt to the ground. I had just figured out I was in love with my best friend, and now I’d probably never see her again. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Captain Solo pulled back on the control lever, bringing us out of hyperspace. I will never forget it. To our right was Alderaan, bright blue and green, sorta like Tatooine without the great deserts. And to our left was Alderaan’s moon. Except Alderaan didn’t have a moon. And in between, were hundreds of ships, many of them Imperial Star Destroyers, blowing the hell out of the moon.
The comm. Crackled to life
“Warning! This is an open transmission!”
Damnit, Chewie! The open comm. Is not supposed to work unless I turn it on! Turn it off!”
“…Death Star is powering up main weapon. All ships redouble efforts on the array! They still might be able to crack the crust! Do not let them get the shot off! That is an order!”
I heard in my head “Commence Primary Ignition…”
And then I saw, the moon, the frickin moon, generate a huge green laser beam. It bent a little, and then went ramming headlong into the planet, and us.
Solo burst out in Huttese oaths I had never heard, and banked sharply to make sure that laser blast didn’t disintegrate us as well.
It hit the planet with a mighty crash. And dissipated in the atmosphere without harming anything.
“That’s no moon, it’s a space station!” I cried out.
“Pretty perspective kid! Are all of your friends that smart?!” asked the good captain, leaning over his chair for a second. He was scared as hell. I would have laughed if I hadn’t felt the same.
I was unfazed, just shocked, “They…they did it, they built the mother****ing Death Star!” And those of you not familiar with British slang **** means to copulate. I like the word, Huttese is so…non-human. The British are weird, they’re the one people in the Outer Rim to dare and say their homeworld is the Mythical Earth (of course everyone knows it’s Coruscant, right? Because it couldn’t possibly be that the Human race is a Rim species? That would be…undignified.) Besides, the Brits build every interrogation droid in the Empire. Stamped: Made in England. But they are the most hard core ******s (self abusers) ever. 40,000 years and the Brits claim they’ve never been conquered. And what else can you say about the 4th Heart Eaters fleet? Last time they went up against the Sith just before Ruusan, they cut out the hearts of 17 Sith and ate them one and all just to show the Sith *******s no one was more dangerous than a Briton fighting against tyranny.
But the bloody annals of British history is not my story, not yet anyway. “What’s a Death Star, Constantine?!” asked Luke.
“Yeah kid, care to fill us in?” And the Fur coat known as Chewbacca joined in with a growl.
“Death Star! Don’t you guys read the Holonet boards? It’s a…device designed to…destroy entire planets, supposedly. It’s supposed to be used against those Far Outsiders we’ve been hearing about recently. But it seems they’ve decided it could be used…elsewhere.”
“That’s impossible!” Solo huffed, “It’d take a thousand ships, and more firepower than I’ve ever seen. Besides, it just tried and failed.”
“Shields,” said Ben Kenobi, “In Clone Wars, the Alderaanians were quite the military power. It seems they did not forsake their defenses when they threw away their weapons.”
A warning alarm began to buzz, “Damnit Chewie what’s the good news now?” After a roar and a groan, Solo said to us “Bad news, something’s coming outta hyperspace, something big! Hold on!”
And out came six more Star Destroyers and an Interdictor Cruiser, and then we heard “This is an open transmission from Tapani Sector Fleet. I am Admiral Bijin Crias, and I’m here to stomp the drin into Tarkin’s face!”
“This is IDS Executor on open transmission under Admiral Griff. Glad to have you with us. The Emperor will reward you for defending his people.”
“Tell that to my mother!” I shouted at the comm. Though they wouldn’t hear me, it felt cathartic
“Quiet, Constantine, maybe we can learn something,” said Kenobi to me, in calming reassuring tones that mocked my sense of decency. Everyone seemed too calm.
“…No word yet from the Emperor or the Imperial Center but Tarkin must be deranged, and he must be stopped. Have you received frequency transmission?”
“Tapani Sector Fleet has received, IDS Executor. Re-setting frequency now, Crias out.”
“What’s the meaning of this?” said Luke, or rather I should say, whined Luke.
Solo seemed like he was going to say something when Kenobi began to speak “Judging by my experience, it means several things. One is that the Empire has constructed an utter abomination designed to destroy life on a scale never seen. Two is that the spirit of the Republic has not wholly died in the Empire given the fact that the Imperial Starfleet is willing to oppose it. And Three, this is spontaneous. At the battle of Coruscant, Republic ships from all over the galaxy jumped in system piecemeal like this and had to speak to one another over open transmission. Treachery is the way of the Sith, young Skywalkers, and it seems Palpatine’s machinations are finally backfiring on him.”
“The Emperor wouldn’t be so stupid as to destroy an Imperial world!” I shouted, the last of the COMPNOR SAG in me screaming in death throes. I had worshiped Palpatine and everything he was supposed to stand for. Now I find out he’s a damn Sith Lord. I still didn’t want to believe it.
“This is Admiral Griff on Open Transmission. That’s the last of them boys and girls. The array is disabled. I repeat the array is disabled. Tarkin ain’t blowing up **** today! Now Interdictors close in and make sure that monstrosity doesn’t leave the party!”
“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Han, “I think we’d better get outta here, now!”
“I heartily agree Captain Solo” replied Ben.
“OK, Chewie turn us around and head for Alderaan III…Delaya. We’ll figure out what to do then.” Then the ship began to rock, “Chewie what’s wrong?” Another groan came out of the Wookiee. I hate not knowing Wookiee-talk, “Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power.”
“Why are we still moving towards it?!” shouted Luke.
“We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!” Solo shouted back
“But there's gotta be something you can do!” Luke became more shrill
“There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm in full power. I'm
going to have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without a
fight!” he pulled out his blaster for effect.
Ben Kenobi put a hand on his shoulder. And this seemed to calm him a bit. “You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting.”
“We’re going to die, aren’t we?” Now I whined. I was 16 years old and my whole life had been destroyed in the course of a day. Death didn’t seem quite so bad; I just wanted to take some Imperial *******s with me.
Tatooine Savior
Prolog
“Stand by, Chewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines.”
I personally wanted to die. I wanted to kill, and mostly I wanted to flay Luke alive for being so accepting. Mom was dead, Sarah was surely dead, Dad was missing, our farm was burnt to the ground. I had just figured out I was in love with my best friend, and now I’d probably never see her again. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Captain Solo pulled back on the control lever, bringing us out of hyperspace. I will never forget it. To our right was Alderaan, bright blue and green, sorta like Tatooine without the great deserts. And to our left was Alderaan’s moon. Except Alderaan didn’t have a moon. And in between, were hundreds of ships, many of them Imperial Star Destroyers, blowing the hell out of the moon.
The comm. Crackled to life
“Warning! This is an open transmission!”
Damnit, Chewie! The open comm. Is not supposed to work unless I turn it on! Turn it off!”
“…Death Star is powering up main weapon. All ships redouble efforts on the array! They still might be able to crack the crust! Do not let them get the shot off! That is an order!”
I heard in my head “Commence Primary Ignition…”
And then I saw, the moon, the frickin moon, generate a huge green laser beam. It bent a little, and then went ramming headlong into the planet, and us.
Solo burst out in Huttese oaths I had never heard, and banked sharply to make sure that laser blast didn’t disintegrate us as well.
It hit the planet with a mighty crash. And dissipated in the atmosphere without harming anything.
“That’s no moon, it’s a space station!” I cried out.
“Pretty perspective kid! Are all of your friends that smart?!” asked the good captain, leaning over his chair for a second. He was scared as hell. I would have laughed if I hadn’t felt the same.
I was unfazed, just shocked, “They…they did it, they built the mother****ing Death Star!” And those of you not familiar with British slang **** means to copulate. I like the word, Huttese is so…non-human. The British are weird, they’re the one people in the Outer Rim to dare and say their homeworld is the Mythical Earth (of course everyone knows it’s Coruscant, right? Because it couldn’t possibly be that the Human race is a Rim species? That would be…undignified.) Besides, the Brits build every interrogation droid in the Empire. Stamped: Made in England. But they are the most hard core ******s (self abusers) ever. 40,000 years and the Brits claim they’ve never been conquered. And what else can you say about the 4th Heart Eaters fleet? Last time they went up against the Sith just before Ruusan, they cut out the hearts of 17 Sith and ate them one and all just to show the Sith *******s no one was more dangerous than a Briton fighting against tyranny.
But the bloody annals of British history is not my story, not yet anyway. “What’s a Death Star, Constantine?!” asked Luke.
“Yeah kid, care to fill us in?” And the Fur coat known as Chewbacca joined in with a growl.
“Death Star! Don’t you guys read the Holonet boards? It’s a…device designed to…destroy entire planets, supposedly. It’s supposed to be used against those Far Outsiders we’ve been hearing about recently. But it seems they’ve decided it could be used…elsewhere.”
“That’s impossible!” Solo huffed, “It’d take a thousand ships, and more firepower than I’ve ever seen. Besides, it just tried and failed.”
“Shields,” said Ben Kenobi, “In Clone Wars, the Alderaanians were quite the military power. It seems they did not forsake their defenses when they threw away their weapons.”
A warning alarm began to buzz, “Damnit Chewie what’s the good news now?” After a roar and a groan, Solo said to us “Bad news, something’s coming outta hyperspace, something big! Hold on!”
And out came six more Star Destroyers and an Interdictor Cruiser, and then we heard “This is an open transmission from Tapani Sector Fleet. I am Admiral Bijin Crias, and I’m here to stomp the drin into Tarkin’s face!”
“This is IDS Executor on open transmission under Admiral Griff. Glad to have you with us. The Emperor will reward you for defending his people.”
“Tell that to my mother!” I shouted at the comm. Though they wouldn’t hear me, it felt cathartic
“Quiet, Constantine, maybe we can learn something,” said Kenobi to me, in calming reassuring tones that mocked my sense of decency. Everyone seemed too calm.
“…No word yet from the Emperor or the Imperial Center but Tarkin must be deranged, and he must be stopped. Have you received frequency transmission?”
“Tapani Sector Fleet has received, IDS Executor. Re-setting frequency now, Crias out.”
“What’s the meaning of this?” said Luke, or rather I should say, whined Luke.
Solo seemed like he was going to say something when Kenobi began to speak “Judging by my experience, it means several things. One is that the Empire has constructed an utter abomination designed to destroy life on a scale never seen. Two is that the spirit of the Republic has not wholly died in the Empire given the fact that the Imperial Starfleet is willing to oppose it. And Three, this is spontaneous. At the battle of Coruscant, Republic ships from all over the galaxy jumped in system piecemeal like this and had to speak to one another over open transmission. Treachery is the way of the Sith, young Skywalkers, and it seems Palpatine’s machinations are finally backfiring on him.”
“The Emperor wouldn’t be so stupid as to destroy an Imperial world!” I shouted, the last of the COMPNOR SAG in me screaming in death throes. I had worshiped Palpatine and everything he was supposed to stand for. Now I find out he’s a damn Sith Lord. I still didn’t want to believe it.
“This is Admiral Griff on Open Transmission. That’s the last of them boys and girls. The array is disabled. I repeat the array is disabled. Tarkin ain’t blowing up **** today! Now Interdictors close in and make sure that monstrosity doesn’t leave the party!”
“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Han, “I think we’d better get outta here, now!”
“I heartily agree Captain Solo” replied Ben.
“OK, Chewie turn us around and head for Alderaan III…Delaya. We’ll figure out what to do then.” Then the ship began to rock, “Chewie what’s wrong?” Another groan came out of the Wookiee. I hate not knowing Wookiee-talk, “Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power.”
“Why are we still moving towards it?!” shouted Luke.
“We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!” Solo shouted back
“But there's gotta be something you can do!” Luke became more shrill
“There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm in full power. I'm
going to have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without a
fight!” he pulled out his blaster for effect.
Ben Kenobi put a hand on his shoulder. And this seemed to calm him a bit. “You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting.”
“We’re going to die, aren’t we?” Now I whined. I was 16 years old and my whole life had been destroyed in the course of a day. Death didn’t seem quite so bad; I just wanted to take some Imperial *******s with me.