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Darth Vegas
03-24-2003, 02:03 PM
The Betrayal on Risiang 5 (http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?act=ST&f=11&t=4074)

http://www.galacticsenate.com/uploads/post-15-1048454797.jpg

The Betrayal on Risiang 5 is sort of a prequel to a story arc I began developing 2 years back. I'm just writing this story as it goes, based off of the rest of the story I already mapped.

Feel free to discuss your likes or dislikes about, your feedback is welcome here. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

The story is basically about two young Jedi Knights living around the time of the Sith about 2000 years before Episode 1 (as mentioned in the TPM novel). They were born into the ruling class of the planet Risiang 5, there was a conflict over who would be the next king, and a huge war erupted. It was well known that the children were force sensitive, as it had ran through their blood line, and the two kindred families gave the chilren up to be trained at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, the chilren were the last of their family line, the rest died out in the war.

The story begins with the two Jedi, Kaesheen Tae-Yor and Raiyne Vihnla landing on the planet Nal Hutta with the ex-smuggler Hiram Kennsen, on a mission to infiltrate the crime lord Gorgo the Hutt's fortress and essentially arrest hiim and bring him back to Coruscant. But as the story continues it turns out that Gorgo's treachoury is deeper than slave trading and pirating he secretly has been dealing with the Sith in a plot to overthrow the republic, and it ends with the revalation of the past of the Royal Family of Risiang 5, the current Sith rising has something to do with what happened before on that planet.

Lots of turns and twists happen along the course of this story that'll pay off later. I won't reveal too much right now. I hope y'all like it.

Brian
03-24-2003, 05:09 PM
Bond's fan fic is now hosted at my site: O-B-GATES' STAR WARS STUFF (http://www.geocities.com/obgates/index.html).

Darth Vegas
03-24-2003, 06:39 PM
Ewww, cool. Thank's man!!!

Darth Vegas
03-25-2003, 11:01 AM
The rest of chapter 1 is added...is anyone reading this thing? ???

Darth Vegas
03-27-2003, 11:59 AM
Fanfic updated with pictures, new character profiles and a new banner on the way....come one people tell me what you think about it!!!

Darth Vegas
03-29-2003, 02:37 PM
The plot thickens...Chapter 2 added....

Brian
03-29-2003, 03:13 PM
I'll get that posted soon, Bond.

Darth Vegas
03-29-2003, 03:14 PM
Alrighty style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Brian
03-29-2003, 05:27 PM
Chapter 2 is posted on my site: O-B-GATES' STAR WARS STUFF (http://www.geocities.com/obgates/index.html). Check it out!

Zane Marit
04-07-2003, 05:29 PM
I really don't want to criticize anyones hard work. I have been trying to write some fan fic of my own...As a matter of fact my name here is one of the characters I have developed for my piece. So I know its not easy to create something, hoping that everyone will like it...With that being said...

The idea of your story is great...The royal bloodline, the smuggler, the backstory of the families surrendering their children to the Jedi is great...Very creative. Your storytelling (writing style) needs some work though.

There is an over abundance of grammatical and spelling errors. When I read your work, it made me feel like I was reading about a video game. Or maybe even a DMs view of a role playing game. There are too many "and then" type statements. Be more descriptive...I think it would have been better in chapter 1, when they all met up in the room, that you were more descriptive. How big the room was, the layout...was it rectangular, was the terminal on a desk or was it a face plate in the wall...That type of description. If someone were going to plant explosives on a door...you would want to make sure the reader understands that there is a fair amount of distance between characters and the door. Or that a less powerful explosive device is being used. Never leave the reader to question or assume that the reader will "just understand".

I hope that my comments weren't harsh and that they were useful to you. This story has a tremendous amount of potential so keep at it.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/saber.gif

Darth Vegas
04-08-2003, 08:39 AM
Originally posted by Zane Marit@Apr 7 2003, 12:29 PM
There is an over abundance of grammatical and spelling errors.
I too have noticed these errors, I've been fixing them as I've had time to do so. Keep in mind that most of this was just off the top of my head.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>There are too many "and then" type statements. Be more descriptive...I think it would have been better in chapter 1, when they all met up in the room, that you were more descriptive. How big the room was, the layout...was it rectangular, was the terminal on a desk or was it a face plate in the wall...That type of description.[/b][/quote]

I've updated and edited the fanfic several times, and I plan on continuing to do so.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>If someone were going to plant explosives on a door...you would want to make sure the reader understands that there is a fair amount of distance between characters and the door. Or that a less powerful explosive device is being used. Never leave the reader to question or assume that the reader will "just understand".[/b][/quote]

The door explosive things was done because the door was locked, and also because the guards on the other side of the door were trying to get in and our heroes need a way out while at the same time they needed to get some of the guards out of the way.

They went to the planet to insert the virus which shut down all the electrical systems and then capture Gorgo the Hutt, which due to the ex-Jedi turned Mandalorian, didn't work out.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>I hope that my comments weren't harsh and that they were useful to you. This story has a tremendous amount of potential so keep at it.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/saber.gif[/b][/quote]

Thanks for your comments, and again, keep in mind that I am always trying to fix the little errors I see and update and edit certain parts to give the story more prestige and more ellegance, and overall more readable and enjoyable.

Part of the reason for the spelling errors is due to my lack of a spell checker. I type fast, and it's a bit hard to look over every single typo. And so on.

Eventually this will all be alot better when I really seriously start working on it again, I've been slacking off lately.

So expect a completely revamped edition of "The Betrayal on Risiang 5" soon. I just did a little bit of work on it, so you all might wanna check that out if you have the time.

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Darth Vegas
04-14-2003, 04:17 AM
updated....

Brian
04-14-2003, 03:13 PM
I'll get that posted soon.

http://www.geocities.com/obgates/