Make me laugh/Tell a joke

[Darth Massacrus]

heres a thread where you post a joke or funny story, or even a funny picture. If I laugh, or havent heard it/ think it's original, I respond and give a rep point or so. Enjoy the thread, fellow Senators! Just no jokes the mods wouldnt like.

[nefertiti]

TWO WOMEN MET IN HEAVEN



1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.


2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband as cheating, so I came home early to catch him, but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

[Darth Massacrus]

not bad! there are many versions of this joke, bbut that is one of the better ones I've heard. Rep points away!

[Blizzard]

1st grader: We got a new dog!
Me: Cool! What did you name him?
1st grader: Reggie. But some people call him Wedgie.
Me: Who calls him Wedgie?
1st grader: My little sister.

Okay, sorrry, guess you had to be there.

Have you seen the hover dogs I posted earlier in the Picture Palace?

[nefertiti]

(rep points not necessary ...thought it was a good one)

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy-efficient kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking Sales guy had told me last year.... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally Just hung up. He didn't call back. Bet he felt dumb!

[Darth Massacrus]

good jokes people! very good. And yes, bliz, I did see the pics you posted. nice! Heres a picture for y'all:

[Javen]

A young man on LSD walked into a dentist's office and said" Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist said"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know" the man said.
The dentist aske "So then why did you come in here?"
The man replied"The light was on."

[Darth Massacrus]

heres another joke involving psychiatrists:

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: just one. but the lightbulb has to want to change:lol:

good joke, javen!sent you some rep points!

[nefertiti]

....just for fun....

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked
up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the
name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was
a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she
walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet,
which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[nefertiti]

(I've collected lots of jokes over the years... I just have to "weed" out the inappropriate ones).... just for fun, again....

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.................................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

[nefertiti]

Hey! I can't be the only one who has a few jokes tucked away! (just for fun...)

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert...can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in"

[nefertiti]

just for fun....

Nominated as a best short joke…

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied

[Darth Massacrus]

Great jokes! I'm back after a 10plus day hiatus, so it's good to get a chuckle! rep points away!

[Darth Massacrus]

advertisement: Buy all your furniture at Sofa King! Our prices arent just low, they're Sofa King low!

:lol:

[nefertiti]

If you are not over 50,or just close to being 50...... this is what
you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

[Sarah-Leia]

Hmm. . . have you heard of these?

Three men were in a boat. It capsized but only two got their hair wet. Why?
The third man was bald!

Why can't ghosts tell lies?
Because you can see right through them!

"My girlfriend says that if I don't give up golf, she'll leave me."
"Say, that's tough, old man."
"Yeah, I'm going to miss her."


AHA! A Star Wars related one!!

Kate: I'm going to cross a galaxy with a frog!
Sharon: You'll be sorry. Don't you know what you'll get?
Kate: No, what?
Sharon: Star Warts!

Boy: 'Grandpa, do you know how to croak?'
Grandpa: 'No, I don't. Why?'
Boy: 'Because Daddy says he'll be a rich man when you do!'

[nefertiti]

Yeehaa!!!! Sarah dives into the bloody fray!! Good ones!!

[Darth Massacrus]

great jokes everyone! I will send out the reppoints when I have "spread some rep around before giving again" for now, heres some funny pics:

[Sarah-Leia]

Yeehaa!!!! Sarah dives into the bloody fray!! Good ones!!

Wha--?


:hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

[Darth Massacrus]

joke: Brazil decides to send soldiers to help the US in Iraq. One day, President Bush gets a report that 3 Brazillian soldiers have been killed. He instantly replies: "3 brazillion??? My god! Waitamminnit, is that more or less than a million?"

[nefertiti]

You are a bad man! Good joke, but a very bad man! :lol:

[Darth Massacrus]

bad man? bad man? okay, but you sound like that Babu guy from Sienfeld...:lol:

[nefertiti]

An early morning chuckle...... (just for fun)

[Solo]

Here is one from me...

After loosing a great amount of money in bad business deals, man decides it's time to make some economy in the house. He goes driectly to his wife and says;

- Lisa, I think it's time for you to learn cooking. We need to save money and I am planning to fire the cook.

Lisa smiles and answers him.

- Well honey, no need to fire the cook. You go and learn how to make love, so we can fire the driver and the gardener.

Have a nice weekend.:bye:

[JMAS]

What did the Salmon say when it swam into the cement wall?

DAM!

[empire21]

joke: Brazil decides to send soldiers to help the US in Iraq. One day, President Bush gets a report that 3 Brazillian soldiers have been killed. He instantly replies: "3 brazillion??? My god! Waitamminnit, is that more or less than a million?"

:rofl: That was good.

[Darth Massacrus]

something I overheard in a Burger King once: "I'll have two triple cheese Whoppers with extra Bacon and Mayo, King Size Onion Rings, slice of that cheesecake, Icee, and a Diet Coke. I'm trying to lose a few pounds...":lol:

This was said by some huge fat guy that I swear, was like 450 lbs or something. It really made me and my girlfriend, who also heard it, chuckle...

[nefertiti]

....ya...just for fun....

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Darth Massacrus]

outstanding! reppoints ASAP!


joke: did you know that in Sen. Hillary Clintons state, Kentuck Fired Chicken had a 'Hillary special"? It consisted of two small breasts, two fat thighs, two chicken legs, and a left wing!:lol:

[huttslime]

This is not a joke: You will die tomorrow.

[nefertiti]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

-
-


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
-
-



The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
-
-



A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

-
-


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Tovor]

An early morning chuckle...... (just for fun)
I loved that one. Props to you. And reps to Nef forethcoming. If the thing will let me.

[Darth Massacrus]

funny site:


www.theonion.com (http://www.theonion.com)

[Tovor]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

-
-


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
-
-



The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
-
-



A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

-
-


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,


"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

:lol: x 10,000!

[Solo]

Here is another one.

A stunning red head enters doctors office and tell the doctor;

- Oh doctor, I'm so sick. Every single part of body hurts. I think I'm not going to last long.

Doctor looks at his patient and says,

- Please calm down lady, please show me which part of your body hurts.

The redhead starts to point the parts on her body. She touches her head with her finger and says,

- Aww, it hurts.

She touches her arm with her finger and yells again. She touches her stomach and yells again. She touches her feet and comes another yell.
Doctor looks at the redhead and asks,

- You are not a real red are you?

And the redhead says;

- Oh doctor you are so clever. Yes I am actually blonde, I dyed my hair.

And the doctor says;

- I guesse so, well there is nothing wrong with your body. Your finger is broken.

[nefertiti]

Good one, Solo!!! Look for point when I can...

[Darth Massacrus]

great joke solo! reppoints are now yours!


heres another blonde joke:

a beautiful blonde goes to an arcade. She finds a machine that she wins coins on every single time. When she tells a person next to her about how lucky this machine is for her, he gently points out: "uh, your playing the change machine..."

[nefertiti]

Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's
wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

[Solo]

Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's
wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.


Exaaactly:bigsmile:

[Darth Massacrus]

good ones!

[nefertiti]

I keep "weeding" out the ones that would make your eyes fall out....:lol: What do old salts have to do, but collect jokes!!!:nahnah:

[huttslime]

Well, I don't know if I said this before, but here you go anyways.

This is not to make you laf, not to make you laff, and not to make you Laugh, but this is a story you should cry about:


One day in a city very close to my house, it was raining. It has been raining for a long time. For the past few days actually. As I was getting up, a thought popped up in my mind. A very important thought, that could change my whole life course. I wanted to go to a Chinese restaurant. This place was known as the 35 Chinese. Very popular place, back in the day, and still in this day. So I started my quest to the 35 Chinese. We always like to call it Chinese 35, I don't know why. When I arrived, my journey has just begun. I got a wuang tang soup or something. It was amazing. Then I made my way to the buffet. I piled a plate so huge, that I couldn't even fit 10 plates of that size into my mouth at once. After the eating, the bill came. And with it, of course, the fortune cookie. This was the best, weirdest, funniest, craziest, ugliest, happiest, intersetingest, fortunest, amazing day of my life. Quote: "The weather is beautiful outside." And that was what it said on the fortune cookie. Boy did I laugh, and boy did the people look at me laugh. I stood on my table and screamed. It was a glorious day. I drove home, and the day was already over, and I went to bed as usual. This was a day I would never forget, a adventure so great, so exciting, so amazing, that I can still think of it today.

As read from A Lifetime of a Lifetime as Never Lived Before: The Biography of huttslime.

[Darth Massacrus]

heres a relevant pic^:

[Solo]

heres a relevant pic^:

No wonder, pandas are in danger of extinction.:lol:

[Darth Massacrus]

of course, the cat and dog population is suspiciously low...as is the mouse and squirrel ones...

[huttslime]

Well, I don't know if I said this before, but here you go anyways.

This is not to make you laf, not to make you laff, and not to make you Laugh, but this is a story you should cry about:


One day in a city very close to my house, it was raining. It has been raining for a long time. For the past few days actually. As I was getting up, a thought popped up in my mind. A very important thought, that could change my whole life course. I wanted to go to a Chinese restaurant. This place was known as the 35 Chinese. Very popular place, back in the day, and still in this day. So I started my quest to the 35 Chinese. We always like to call it Chinese 35, I don't know why. When I arrived, my journey has just begun. I got a wuang tang soup or something. It was amazing. Then I made my way to the buffet. I piled a plate so huge, that I couldn't even fit 10 plates of that size into my mouth at once. After the eating, the bill came. And with it, of course, the fortune cookie. This was the best, weirdest, funniest, craziest, ugliest, happiest, intersetingest, fortunest, amazing day of my life. Quote: "The weather is beautiful outside." And that was what it said on the fortune cookie. Boy did I laugh, and boy did the people look at me laugh. I stood on my table and screamed. It was a glorious day. I drove home, and the day was already over, and I went to bed as usual. This was a day I would never forget, a adventure so great, so exciting, so amazing, that I can still think of it today.

As read from A Lifetime of a Lifetime as Never Lived Before: The Biography of huttslime.

Who said "Ain't life grand!"?

[Sarah-Leia]

Boy 1: That girl over there just rolled her eyes at me.
Boy 2: You'd better roll them back, she might need them!

_________________________________________

Boy 1: Every time I walk past a girl, she sighs.
Boy 2: With relief!

[Darth Massacrus]

:lol: !^ good ones , SL! reppoints when possible!

[nefertiti]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued, him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Tovor]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued, him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Bahahahahahahahaha! :lol:

[huttslime]

-Mah Gangsta Rap-

My name is Keen.
I like the color Green.
Just got a new Spleen.
But I'm not Dean.

Beat you ^.
Knock you v.
Hit you in the >.

Eat Santa Clause.
Meat, pants, cause.
Heat in a pause
Sheat in a hause.

Lick a stick.
Mix a lick.
Kick a Mix.
Hick a Kick.

Now is the end.
Sleep 'till the blend.
I say I'll send.
Here comes the bend,
My Friend.



Gaaargle! I'm choking.

[nefertiti]

Bravo! Brava!

[Solo]

Here is another one.

Husband enters the living room and sees her wife trying to get something from the bottom shelf of the CD rack. He looks at her hips and says.

- Well you've put on a lot of weight lately. Your ass is as big as our barbecue in the garden.

Husband leaves the room laughing with the wife really pissed off. However she does not say anything.

After dinner they watch TV and go to bed. Husband starts to kiss wife and clearly shows that he wants to make love.

Wife turns her back to him and says.

- Go back to sleep, I'm not going to make barbecue for just one tiny sausage.

Merry Christmass to all of you.:xmas:

[huttslime]

I accept your merry christmas.

[Emalin]

CAPTION:
How to tell if you're driving too fast

[nefertiti]

Hahahah! Good one Emalin!

[Emalin]

^ Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. :D

Here's another one that was sent to me in e-mail. One of my favorites.

Caption:

This Year's "That's Not My Job" Award

AND THE WINNER IS....

[nefertiti]

It's not that I don't appreciate blonds...it's just that they're easy to pick on!

[kopernikuz]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!" :tease:

[Jedi Master Harrison]

An Irishman walks into a bar, on his own, in Dublin and asks for 3 pints of Guinness. He quickly drinks them, then orders another 3. After a few hours of this occurring, the barman asks the guy 'hey, if you're on your own, why do you order 3 pints at once, rather than just one, the bar isn't busy, I'll serve you quickly!' The Irishman replies 'I am one of 3 triplets, so there is a drink for each of us, as it is our Birthday today. My brothers are in Australia and the USA, so we cannot meet up, so each of us heads to a local bar and buys 3 pints at a time.' OK says the barman, and pours the guy another 3 Guinness. Eventually the Irishman has had enough and wanders off home.

Exactly a year later, in the same bar, the Irishman walks in, the same barman clocks him. '2 pints of Guinness please'. The barman serves him and the Irishman keeps ordering 2 pints every time he finishes the previous ones. After a while the barman decides to be bold and asks 'I recognise you as the guy that came in last year and kept ordering 3 pints of Guinness. I don't mean to be rude, but has one of your brothers passed away during the year?'


'Oh no, nothing like that', says the Irishman, 'I've given up drinking.'


:cheers: Happy New Year!

[nefertiti]

:chortle: Good ones guys!!!!!!!!

[Javen]

why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?
'cause he was dead...
why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?
'cause he was dead too...
why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?
peer pressure...

[Tovor]

Them's hilarious, Kop and Harr! :lol:

[Jedi Master Harrison]

Thank you, I am humbled. :bigsmile:

[Jedi Master Harrison]

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.........

there was an old married couple, who had generally had a good life but who's relationship had struggled for the last 5 years or so. The husband lies upstairs, practically on his death bed, barely with the strength to breathe.

He can hear his wife rattling around in the kitchen downstairs and all of a sudden the smell of his favourite cake comes wafting up to him. 'Wow, what a lovely wife' he thought. 'She has put aside all our recent problems, realising I haven't got long left and has made my favourite cake.' 'I'm going to surprise her, drag myself out of bed, walk down the stairs, take a huge bite out of the cake then afterwards I'm going to give her a big kiss to show her how much I appreciate her.'

The guy musters all his strength and manages to get up off the bed, but is in so much pain he can only slide down the stairs, one step at a time. Once he has got to the bottom he is so tired he can only crawl to the kitchen, very slowly.

When he eventually gets to the worktop, he has one last push of energy and manages to reach up, from the floor and just gets his hand on the cake.

With lightning quick reactions his missus slaps his hand away and says 'p*ss off, they're for the funeral!'

[nefertiti]

What's wrong with this picture?

[Lady Vader]

^haha..there is no way a person is that dumb...

[Solo]

Teachers asks her students to write a sentence where the meaning contains the three phrases given below. Those are...

1. Religion

2. Sex

3. Mystery

Here is one of the answers.

"Oh my God, I'm pregnant."

[nefertiti]

I like it!! Hahahaha

[huttslime]

Say

"I am Sofa King We Todd Ed."

outloud fast, but not too fast.

[Lady Vader]

^HEY! That is not very nice!:evil:

but funny

[Darth Massacrus]

I have returned.

[Jedi Master Harrison]

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise.........'."

[nefertiti]

^ Good one!

Welcome back Darth Massacrus

________

After hearing that Bush still didn't know whether he was alive, Osama decided to send Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:


370HSSV 0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to CondiRice. Condi and her aides had no clue either,


so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no


clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.




MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[Jedi Master Harrison]

:lol: , the funny thing is you can actually see him doing that!!

[Darth Massacrus]

right....

[Lady Vader]

umm well I work at a store and the other night I had on my work vest.A lady that I had as a teacher in high school came up to me and asked if I worked there...I blinked at her looked at my vest and said "i'm not the droid you're looking for"

okay so that isn't that funny

[Solo]

^ Good one!

Welcome back Darth Massacrus

________

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."


A really good one Nef.

[nefertiti]

Just something for the morning .....

[Darth Massacrus]

^splendid! reppoints away! (ASAP)

heres some pics:

[Sarah-Leia]

The train conductor got married to the man of her dreams. Her jewellery was silver, her veil was Valenciennes lace and her train was 20 minutes late.

Get it?

[Jedi Master Harrison]

A US joke that I heard, anyone who is easily offended do not read:

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."


The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

[Sarah-Leia]

^ :rofl: even if it is about . . .that. I completely get it!

[Jedi Master Harrison]

I know poor blondes get no breaks but.......

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

[Darth Massacrus]

good jokes!

[Darth Massacrus]

heres a joke that I like alot:


Q: what do you get when you combine 50 lesbians with 50 bureaucrats?

A: 100 people who dont do d:censored: ck !!!:rofl:

[Darth Massacrus]

courtesy of me, DM:


a list of my best yo mama jokes:


Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!

Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!

Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!

Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.

Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"

Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.

[Jedi Master Harrison]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

[huttslime]

I'm wearin' a Sweotch Army Weeatch Bleotch.

[Solo]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

:rofl:

[nefertiti]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (a man's perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Jedi Master Harrison]

You may well have heard it before but it's one of my favourites:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: -

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....."

he sighed....................


"let's put all these Frosties back in the box, darlin'."

[Darth Massacrus]

good one !

heres a joke I like :

is it michael jackson
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?

[Emalin]

^ :ugh: Funny, but gross!

Here's one I got in e-mail.


I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

[Darth Massacrus]

heres another great DM

:

Speeding
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

[Emalin]

I love this next one! :chortle:





LETTER FROM A FARM KID






Dear Ma and Pa,



I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer, the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal,
eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but
tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until
noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.


I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He
joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.






Your loving daughter....

[Darth Massacrus]

that is the best joke anyone has posted yet, bar none, including me! Well, well done, Emalin! Everyone who posts here needs to give you reppoints for that one!

[nefertiti]

^ Roger and done!

resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a-counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

....look at the attachment......


Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check!

[Darth Massacrus]

thanx for the pic, Nef! oh right, almost forgot, the joke was good too...:innocent:

[Jedi Master Harrison]

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

[Darth Massacrus]

heheheheh^!
good one, as is this:

Excuse Me, Your Fly Is Unzipped
1. "The cucumber has left the salad."

2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."

3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."

4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."

5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."

8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."

9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

[Cassus Fett]

Pretty Good...


Two Cows In A Field
The First One Says "Moo"
The Second Says, "I Was Gonna Say That"

[Emalin]

I couldn't resist posting this next one. :lol:


Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 a.m.: Dog food! It was delicious!

9:30 a.m.: A car ride! What fun! I got to stick my head out the
window!

9:40 a.m.: Walk in the park! I got to sniff some other dogs' butts!

10:30 a.m.: Got rubbed and petted!

12:00 p.m.: More dog food! Life is good!

1:00 p.m.: Played in the yard! I chased a squirrel!

3:00 p.m.: Wagged my tail for a while!

5:00 p.m.: Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 p.m.: Got to play ball with my master!

8:00 p.m.: Wow! Watched Lassie on TV with my master!

11:00 p.m.: Sleeping on the bed! This has been another GREAT day!




Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that
keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I
once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the
event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I
overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I
must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The
bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so
he is safe...

...For now.

[nefertiti]

A couple of cute ones.....

[Cassus Fett]

Got to be posted...

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland inOctober,1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call

[huttslime]

Got to be posted...

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland inOctober,1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call

Pretty ugly beautiful good.

A couple of cute ones.....

Very good.

[Emalin]

^ @ Cassus Fett
HOOT! HOOT! :rofl:

This isn't exactly a joke, but it's fun anyway. What do your computer icons do when you're not looking? :nahnah: Find out at this link: http://www.xs4all.nl/%7Ejvdkuyp/flash/see.htm (http://www.xs4all.nl/%7Ejvdkuyp/flash/see.htm)

[huttslime]

The only outsider in that was the Recycle Bin!

That looks pretty cool, but some of the characters are in chinese - judging from the symbols which are more complicated than Japanese or Korean sybols.

[nefertiti]

I couldn't resist....


http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm

[Jedi Master Harrison]

Here I go again, I don't know why I always hear blonde jokes! Actually, I think this is quite an old one.

11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes all applauded.

[huttslime]

Check out this video:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3881311990843965384&q=stop+drum&hl=en

Make sure that you watch the whole thing though.

[Emalin]

^ Amateur?! Ha ha, that's great! :rofl:

And now...yet another blonde joke!



Pregnant Turkey


One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional
feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She
told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started
to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep, SHE'S BLONDE!

[nefertiti]

How about a Texas joke...

IT TAKES A TEXAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN. On a recent flight
from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up at the front of the plane. I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate
woman at the front of the plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of
the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and
hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, toward the young
woman, unbuttoning his shirt......... one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his
chest..............She gasps............He whispers:

"Iron this, and get me something to eat.........."

[Jedi Master Harrison]

^ Love it! :chortle:

[Solo]

How about a Texas joke...

IT TAKES A TEXAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.
"Iron this, and get me something to eat.........."

:rofl:

[Darth Massacrus]

^good one, as is this list:



10 Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!



I can relate to #'s 1,6, and 9....:innocent:

[nefertiti]

:scratchchin:
:what:
:innocent:
The cat?


hahahahahahahahahahehehehehehehehehehahahahahahah!

[Darth Massacrus]

good to see ya, Nef!

heres another gag:


Cigarette Warnings
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."

Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information.

How about something like this:

* Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?

* Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

* Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.

* Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

* Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?

* Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.



:innocent: ...

[nefertiti]

:chortle: :spank: :happydance:



(whispers...except...it'snot true...ask me, I know....)

[Darth Massacrus]

^smokin'...?

[nefertiti]

SMOKIN"!

[Darth Massacrus]

smokin hot!...


seriously though, I wonder how many here smoke like cigars, cigarettes, pipe, ect...

[Emalin]

:unhappy: Guys, I know at least one fifteen-year-old (*ahem* - me) who visits this thread,
and the past three jokes posted have been sex-related. Can we please clean up the jokes a bit? :(




Repeat after me ... "I can do this!"




SENIOR EXERCISE - A friend just shared this AARP
exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy,
I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing
it three times a week.





Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you
have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound
potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each
day, you'll find that you can hold this position for
just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to
10-pound potato sacks. Then use 50-pound potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift
a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. After you
feel confident at that level...








...put a potato in each of the sacks.

[Fallen One]

1. What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.




2. How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

When the cake jumps out of the girl!





3. A technology firm was looking for a new computer repair guy. An applicant’s resume said he was a Boy Scout leader for 10 years. The boss asked the applicant, “What makes you qualified as a computer repair guy?” The former Boy Scout leader said, “Well, I have a lot of hands-on experience.”

4. What's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes lasts forever.


5. What do you get when you cross an egg with a sperm?

An omlette you probably shouldn't eat.

[nefertiti]

:unhappy: Guys, I know at least one fifteen-year-old (*ahem* - me) who visits this thread,
and the past three jokes posted have been sex-related. Can we please clean up the jokes a bit? :(

Sorry, darlin... sometimes I get caught up in the fun.
Will be more aware in future.
Thanks for the reminder
Nef

[Darth Massacrus]

:unhappy: Guys, I know at least one fifteen-year-old (*ahem* - me) who visits this thread,
and the past three jokes posted have been sex-related. Can we please clean up the jokes a bit? :(




Repeat after me ... "I can do this!"




SENIOR EXERCISE - A friend just shared this AARP
exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy,
I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing
it three times a week.





Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you
have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound
potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each
day, you'll find that you can hold this position for
just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to
10-pound potato sacks. Then use 50-pound potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift
a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. After you
feel confident at that level...








...put a potato in each of the sacks.


will keep that fact in mind. even though I am only 18. But yeah, tone it down a bit, Sens. BTW: good jokes, all, and keep em coming!

[nefertiti]

Cute one.....

[Jedi Master Harrison]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” :blink: :)

[Jedi Master Harrison]

An oldie that still makes me smile!

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

[Darth Massacrus]

wonderful^!

[Darth Massacrus]

heres a random funny pic:

[huttslime]

http://www.davidpaulmorris.com/webphotos/vietnam/teeth.jpg

[nefertiti]

Sometimes don't you just feel bad for blondes

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel and
Win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won
a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize."

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "W I N A B A G E L"

[Darth Massacrus]

^good one!

alright: heres how to teach your dog to speak

1) ask him where Santa lands his sleigh
2)ask him a good name for a girl
3)ask him how sandpaper feels
4) ask him what sound a dog makes
5) ask him what the greatest baseball player of all time was

Scoring:
5 correct answer: your dog cant talk, but sure is smart
4 correct answers: good boy! biscuit!
3 correct answers: start boning up on those lessons
2 correct answers: go back to sniffing other dogs butts
1 correct answer: get a cat (if 4) get a new dog (if 123or5)
0 correct answers: I hate to break it to you, but your dog aint the smartest thing on 4 feet..

1 Correct answer in English or more: your dog is smarter than you. Go get the leash, your new master wants to walk you...:nahnah:





BTW: the answers are as follows:

1:Roof
2:Ruth
3: ruff (rough)
4: woof, or just about any dog noise
5: Ruth

[nefertiti]

a funny....

[sharyntyre]

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[Darth Massacrus]

^a new twist on an old joke!

for now, enjoy some random pics and classified ads:

[Solo]

^a new twist on an old joke!

for now, enjoy some random pics and classified ads:

I want to hire that guy. Do you have his number?

[Darth Massacrus]

uh, wasnt it on there?^^^

[nefertiti]

To Be 6 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a
day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being
six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant
my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get
it wrong.

[Darth Massacrus]

interesting...^ (yet good)

[Jedi Master Harrison]

^^ Seconded!

Anyway, I decided that I wanted to get into gymnastics, so I headed down to the local sports hall and asked the instructor to teach me how to do the spilts. He asked me if I was flexible. I told him I couldn't make Fridays..........

[nefertiti]

^:happydance: :rofl: :happydance:
^^ I am......free Friday's!

[Solo]

Husband and wife go to the zoo. When they get near the gorilla fence, gorilla comes near the cage door starts staring at wife. Husband sees this and tells his wife;

"Darling can you open two more buttons of your blouse?"

Wife smiles and opens the buttons of her blouse showing more of her breasts. Gorilla starts to jump up and down in his cage. When husband sees this, he tells his wife;

"Darling can you play with your hair a little?"

Wife is also in the game now and she starts playing with her hair. Gorilla gets very excited and starts fisting his chest. This time husband whispers his wife;

"Darling can you lift your skirt a little and show him some leg?"

Wife smiles and lifts her skirt a little. The gorilla gets really excited and starts to shake the cage doors. At this instant husband opens the cage door and throws his wife inside the cage near the gorilla and says,

"Now tell him that you have a headache."

[Darth Massacrus]

too real^ but still funny!

[nefertiti]

One for the lovers of Oriental food....

One for the guys...

One to make you go ewww and smile....

[Darth Massacrus]

^good ones all! reppoints away!

[Emalin]

This one's great....



The Meaning of Baptism


Every Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook venison steak. Unfortunately, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic,
and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest
sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised
a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. They immediately
called the priest again.

The priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to
scold him, when he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba,
clutching a small bottle of holy water. He carefully sprinkled it over
the grilling meat and chanted, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer,
but now you is a catfish!"

[Solo]

This one's great....



The Meaning of Baptism


Every Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook venison steak. Unfortunately, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic,
and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest
sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised
a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. They immediately
called the priest again.

The priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to
scold him, when he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba,
clutching a small bottle of holy water. He carefully sprinkled it over
the grilling meat and chanted, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer,

but now you is a catfish!"


Good one. :rofl:

[nefertiti]

Hey....since Tov gave me the lesson on attaching pic and I've gooton so good at it (:wink: )...it opens a whole new world of... well... a whole new world!!

DM...points not necessary....laughs are!!!

My sincerest apologies to the blonds... (the things they do just get better and better....)

Caugh my first World Cup last year.... I can believe this!!!

[Darth Massacrus]

Excellent pics, Nef, and good joke Em. And trust me , I know reppoints arent neccessary, but I like getting em bak, so they'll go with the laughs...:bye: http://www.galacticsenate.com/images/icons/icon14.gif

[Darth Graves]

this ones lame, but i made it myself so keep it to yourself...

a guy goes into a mall buys a burger in the food court and takes a seat.
just out of habit he looks around to see if he recognizes anyone... of in the corner he sees a guy staring at him for no apparent reason.
the first man (well call him man a from now on) decides he doesnt wantto seem rude and looks back at his food, continuing to eat.
a little while later he looks around again to see if he recognises anyone.. and sees the guy in the corner still staring at him (well call him man b for now on). Man B, at this point looks like hes really angry.. so Man A decides he doesnt want to upset him and goes back to eating his food.
a little while later Man A looks up again, and sees Man B still staring at him, Man B then gets up, walks across the foodcourt and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STARING AT!?"

hehe, me laugh now...

[Darth Massacrus]

heres a funny picture group: (oh, I do love them charts)

[nefertiti]

Pics are great!

[Darth Massacrus]

^good pic!

[Jedi Master Harrison]

You kill me Nef! :rofl:

[Jedi Master Harrison]

These may be old, but the bonus one in particular always tickles me, especially as it is so true - our firm haven't paid a bonus in 3 years!

[nefertiti]

^^ Hahahahah! Good ones!

Maxine is an old lady over here with quite a few thoughts...

[Solo]

These may be old, but the bonus one in particular always tickles me, especially as it is so true - our firm haven't paid a bonus in 3 years!

^^ Hahahahah! Good ones!

Maxine is an old lady over here with quite a few thoughts...

Well, you brightened a gloomy monday morning for me. Thanks to you.

[Darth Massacrus]

^same here! (though its five in the morning here)

I like the quote with the slip in to a coma one....

[nefertiti]

I had a very right on the edge one, but indefferance to our younger group....I stopped. No liet me revise. It was over the edge....

But you'll have a chuckle....

[Darth Massacrus]

^I ve actually seen the second one before, but havent been able to find it, so thanks!

BTW: Happy 1000th Post! the reppoints I gave for it added another green bar to your profile, too....

[sharyntyre]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply
accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF.

[Darth Massacrus]

^oh, that thing goes back to like, 1995 or something. Still, it IS funny!

[sharyntyre]

Taking a woman to bed

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the h:censored: l are you???

[Blizzard]

The teacher was giving, what she believed to be an interesting fact. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she told her class.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F#$%!!' the Rottweiler ate him!"

[Solo]

Taking a woman to bed

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the h:censored: l are you???

I'm 29 so, that makes me a lucky a man....:w00t:

The teacher was giving, what she believed to be an interesting fact. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she told her class.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F#$%!!' the Rottweiler ate him!"

:censored: clever girl and a poor cat.

Really nice jokes to read, especially on a monday morning.

[Coltonxx]

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
xD

[sharyntyre]

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

[nefertiti]

Just a couple of smiles...I love Maxine, don't you? :nahnah:

[Coltonxx]

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

Lmao that one made me laugh xD

[Jedi Master Harrison]

Some great jokes over the last few days. Don't think this will stand up to them, but I will post it anyway!

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your Daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

[Darth Massacrus]

^reminds me of the tale of the little old lady who, at the grocery store, asked a young man to call her mom, as she said her real son was dead. After making certain the cashier hears him, the little old lady leaves, and the cashier stops the young man and says 'well, arent you going to pay for your mothers stuff like she said????"

[Miasmo]

Luke: I can’t do it.
Yoda: What?
Luke: I can’t beat him.
Yoda: Vader?
Luke: Yeah. I been out there walkin’ around, thinkin’. I mean who am I kiddin’? I ain’t even in the guy’s league.
Yoda: Gonna do what, are we?
Luke: I dunno.
Yoda: Worked so hard, you have.
Luke: Yeah, it don’t matter, cause I was nobody before.
Yoda: Say that, do not.
Luke: Aw, come on Yoda, it’s true. I was nobody. But that don’t matter either, ya know? Cause I was thinkin’, it really don’t matter if I lose this fight. It really don’t matter if this guy opens my head either. Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody’s ever gone the distance with Vader. And if I can go that distance … see, and that bell rings and I’m still standin’, I’m gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren’t just another bum from the neighborhood.

*reflective silence*

WHACK! *yoda hits Luke in the groin with his gimer stick*

Yoda: ****ing crazy, are you!? The Dark Lord of the Sith he ****ing is! A minion of evil he ****ing is! The cave. More lessons in the cave do you require. Go.

[Darth Massacrus]

random HK47 quote: Statement: master, there are a LOT of politicians on Coruscant. I could spend decades slaughtering them all and still not make a dent.


random KOTOR 2 quote:

Daraala: more salvagers here are about as welcome as a diarrhetic Hutt

[sharyntyre]

What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid?

"No she isn't"


why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're always bitter.

:blink:

[Jedi Master Harrison]

Another old but good, IMO.

Six girls are on vacation without their boyfriends. They are walking on a beach when they are attracted to the sight of a beautiful six-storey hotel.
Wishing to check in immediately, they walk in. They are greeted by a charming hotel manager who tells them: "Go up to each storey and you will see a sign. If you like what it says, we'll put you up there."
So the six girlfriends take the lift to the floor above, where they see this sign: "All the men here have no money, and are short and ugly." The girlfriends laugh and move off.
On the next storey, they are met by this sign: "All the men here have money, but are short and plain." The girls continue on their way.
At the third level, they see this sign: "All the men here have money, and are tall but ugly." The girls smile and move on.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here have money, and are tall and handsome." This excites the girls and they are about to go get registered when they remember that there is one more storey above. So they head up there.
At the top, they see this big sign: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is just no way to please a woman."

[Solo]

Another old but good, IMO.

Six girls are on vacation without their boyfriends. They are walking on a beach when they are attracted to the sight of a beautiful six-storey hotel.
Wishing to check in immediately, they walk in. They are greeted by a charming hotel manager who tells them: "Go up to each storey and you will see a sign. If you like what it says, we'll put you up there."
So the six girlfriends take the lift to the floor above, where they see this sign: "All the men here have no money, and are short and ugly." The girlfriends laugh and move off.
On the next storey, they are met by this sign: "All the men here have money, but are short and plain." The girls continue on their way.
At the third level, they see this sign: "All the men here have money, and are tall but ugly." The girls smile and move on.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here have money, and are tall and handsome." This excites the girls and they are about to go get registered when they remember that there is one more storey above. So they head up there.
At the top, they see this big sign: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is just no way to please a woman."

Exactly my friend.

[Darth Massacrus]

BLONDE: oww! I'm in pain

Brunette: point to where it hurts

BLONDE; here,owww, here, owww, and here, owwww

Brunnette: You idiot, you have a broken finger!

[Darth Massacrus]

found these of interest:






POLITICAL INSULTS
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel
"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
- Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle
"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
- Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton
"He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon"
- General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln
"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat."
- Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur
"A triumph of the embalmers art"
- Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan
"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
- H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
- Steve Martin
"The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin."
- Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born"
- Ronald Reagan
"Attila the Hen"
- Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher
"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange"
- Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan

[nefertiti]

Woman's view on creation


"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."