Jacen Solo
02-24-2003, 05:10 PM
Hello, friends. The following is part of a script I've typed of Star Wars: Episode 26. Get your Star Wars soundtracks ready ... it's even better with the music. Some of the jokes (a lot of the jokes) are completely off the wall. If you have any questions about anything ... send a PM to either myself or Luvinna.
Also, the stage directions were in italics, but I guess all the formatting didn't make it when I transferred the file to this computer.
<span style="color:yellow">******************************
[Main Title, Episode II]
STAR WARS
Episode XXVI
RETURN OF THE COOKIE EATERS
It is again a period of civil war. The Naboo Cookie Eaters have come to the United States and are threatening to steal all of the cookies, even the frosted ones.
This military action, led by Gertrude Amidala of the Naboo (distant cousin of Padme Amidala,) has forced the nation to stop all production of cookies, even the frosted ones.
Jeanette Carver and Kevin Greever, two of a small gathering of Jedi Knights, are headed for Washington, D.C. to start negotations with Amidala and her
clan ...
[Luke and Leia, Episode VI] ~ do not begin dialogue until the main melody begins; stretch the scene until the first main strain of the melody ends
Camera tilts down to the Earth. Scene comes up on the White House, where JEANETTE and KEVIN have just arrived in their shuttle. It is the year 3048. Technology has advanced far beyond what it was in 2002.
JEANETTE: We made it!!
KEVIN: I guess we were wrong. There was no danger after all.
JEANETTE: There’s always danger, Kevin. Sometimes we’re just lucky enough to avoid it.
KEVIN: I wish there were some cookies around. I need some.
JEANETTE: Don’t dwell on your anxieties, Kevin ... keep your concentration on the here and now.
KEVIN: But Master Yoda said we should be mindful of our cravings.
JEANETTE: Master Yoda is no longer alive, my young apprentice. He’s been one with the Force for two hundred thousand years.
KEVIN: I know. But that’s what he told Obi-Wan when he was alive.
JEANETTE: Here comes the President now. Both Jedi Knights kneel down as PRESIDENT SCOTT FECHSER approaches.
[The Walls Converge, Episode IV]
SCOTT: Welcome, my friends. It is an honor to see you again.
KEVIN: And it has been far too long, President Fechser.
JEANETTE: Oh Scott, you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine!!
SCOTT: Thank you, Master Jeanette ... and now I sense you wish to continue your search for the frosted cookies.
KEVIN: Yes, President Fechser.
SCOTT: Patience, my friend. In time, the Cookie Eaters will come to you, and then you must bring them before me.
JEANETTE: They will come to us?
SCOTT: I have foreseen it. Your desire for sugar will be their undoing.
JEANETTE: Very well. We leave in peace. The two Jedi Knights exit. PRESIDENT FECHSER walks back into the White House and into a conference room. DARTH CANDY CANE appears on a television screen in front of the President.
[Victory Celebration, Episode VI] ~ say these lines really fast; you must get to the end of this scene before the kids start singing for full comic effect
SCOTT: What is thy bidding, Master Trent?
TRENT: I am Darth Candy Cane, not Trent!! If you don’t stop calling me Trent, I’m going to kill you and find a new apprentice.
SCOTT: What is thy bidding, Master Trent?
TRENT: Begin apprehending all the Naboo Cookie Eaters. Have them thrown in jail.
SCOTT: My lord, is that ... legal?
TRENT: I will make it legal, President Fechser.
SCOTT: And ... the Jedi?
TRENT: This is impossible!!
SCOTT: Master Trent?
TRENT: I am Darth Candy Cane, and don’t you forget it!! He fires a bolt of frosting toward the President. My name is ... my name is ... my name is Darth Candy Cane!! SCOTT immediately shrivels up and dies, and one of his 7,000,001 clones comes and stands in his place. Kill the Jedi immediately!!
SCOTT: Very well, Master Candy Cane. DARTH CANDY CANE disappears. Your name is Trent. Another bolt of frosting comes from out of nowhere, but the President catches it and eats it. Scene changes to DARTH CANDY CANE’s palace, where he is talking to his associate, GERTRUDE AMIDALA.
TRENT: Well Kris, looks like everything’s under control. Our code names are working well.
KRIS: Great!! Now what should I have the Cookie Eaters do?
TRENT: Not one person sleeps until I have every last cookie in this nation -- even the frosted ones!!
KRIS: My troops are ready.
TRENT: Good, Kris. Wipe them out. All of them.
Scene changes to the White House. LADY LORAJEAN and her husband, the President, are talking.
[Brother, Sister, Father, Son, Episode VI] ~ say these lines slowly ... by the time Lorajean says she’s a clone, the Force Theme melody should be playing
SCOTT: Oh my darling wife ...
LORAJEAN: Oh President ...
SCOTT: Oh Shmi ...
LORAJEAN: Oh Scott ...
SCOTT: Oh Shmi ...
LORAJEAN: Oh Scott ... I'm a clone!!
SCOTT: I am too!! Well, I ... am a clone of myself!!
LORAJEAN: I’m the First Lady. Enter WAITRESS DROID.
WAITRESS DROID: Someone to see you, honey!! Shmigol by the looks of her!! Enter TONI WE, followed by Jedi Padawan KEVIN.
[Cantina Band, Episode IV]
TONI WE: Bilbo, is your father Darth Candy Cane?
SCOTT: Yep.
TONI WE: May we eat him?
SCOTT: Shoo-ah. Dad! Toni We’s hee-ah!! Enter TRENT.
TRENT: Eh, Boba. Go get our cookies and hide them in my bunny suit. Exit WAITRESS DROID.
TONI WE: Bilbo ... this is Jedi Padawan ...
KEVIN: Darth Tyranus. Oops ... did I say that out loud?
SCOTT: Yep.
TONI WE: Shmi? Was your cloning productive?
LORAJEAN: Yep.
KEVIN: Aren’t you afraid someone is going to discover you’re the clone of Shmi Skywalker?
LORAJEAN: I will be. I will be!!
TRENT: Eh, Bilbo ... pack your things. We’re leaving. Don’t forget the cookies, especially not the frosted ones. We have to get to the ship. We have to get to the ship. We have to get to the ship. We have to get to the ship. We have to get to the ship. SCOTT and TRENT leave.
[Love Pledge, Episode II] ~ when Lorajean says she cannot take the cookie, and Kevin says it is his to give, the dramatic phrase of the Love Theme (the part where Anakin and Padme are taken outside) should be playing ... the scene will be over before the Arena music starts
LORAJEAN: Toni We, what did you mean, "Bilbo?"
TONI WE: I think you are a bit ... confused. TONI WE exits the room as well.
LORAJEAN: Yep.
KEVIN: I must go as well. My Master awaits me at the Jedi Temple.
LORAJEAN: Young Padawan, did you not refer to yourself earlier as “Darth Tyranus?”
KEVIN: What is this, a game show? First Bilbo, then Darth Tyranus ...
LORAJEAN: That’s right! Come on down, you’re the next contestant on ... She falls to the ground. Squank!
KEVIN: I was just reciting my Jedi history, that’s all. He takes a cookie out of his pocket and hands it to LORAJEAN. Take this cookie. I must give it to you.
LORAJEAN: Mmm ... tasty, this cookie looks. Wait ... I cannot take this cookie from you!
KEVIN: It is mine to give! ... like my heart. LORAJEAN eats the cookie and runs away. Jedi are not allowed to fall in love. Attachment is forbidden ... possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love ... essential to a Sith’s -- I mean, a Jedi’s -- life. He takes another cookie out of his pocket and stares at it with longing.
Scene fades out and then goes back to the White House, where the Sith Lord DARTH CANDY CANE, otherwise known as TRENT, is meditating.
TRENT: Scott! Scott!! Where are you? The President enters the room.
SCOTT: Greetings, Master Trent.
TRENT: I am Darth Candy Cane, you strange piece of green aluminum pastry!! He shoots bolts of frosting out of his fingers, and SCOTT shrivels up and dies. Timing -- thirteen ... twelve ... eleven ... ten ... seven ... six ... five ... four ... three ... two ... one ... NOW!! He waits a few more seconds, and then another clone of SCOTT appears. Aaarrgghhh ... counting in Huttese never did me any good.
SCOTT: Hello, Master Candy Cane!!
TRENT: Hello, President.
SCOTT: May I ... have one of your cookies? I’m awfully hungry. The Sith Lord shoots bolts of frosting again, and within moments another clone of SCOTT is standing in the place of the one he just destroyed. TRENT licks his fingers.
TRENT: Mmm ... tasty this is, yes.
SCOTT: What is thy bidding, Master Trent? TRENT moves as if he’s going to zap this clone too, but then he changes his mind.
TRENT: If I keep destroying my clones, I’ll have none left!
SCOTT: What is thy bidding, Master Trent?
TRENT: You will refer to me as ...
<span style="font-size:36pt;line-height:100%">DARTH CANDY CANE!!!</span>
Do I make myself clear, President?
SCOTT: Yes, Master Candy Cane ... loud, clear, and ... large! What is thy bidding, Master Candy Cane?
TRENT: New orders, President Fechser. The clone of Shmi must be destroyed.
SCOTT: Shmi?
TRENT: Shmi.
SCOTT: Shmi? Who is Shmi?
TRENT: Shmi. I am telling you ... Shmi!
SCOTT: Shmi as in Shmi.
TRENT: Yes ... SHMI!!
SCOTT: Wait a minute ... do you mean ... SHMI?
TRENT: Yes ... Shmi.
SCOTT: Oh ... ex-Shmize me.
TRENT: Shmi! You’re not listening!
SCOTT: Who is this Shmi?
TRENT: Shmi. The woman who worked with monkeys when she was little.
SCOTT: The monkey’s his uncle?
TRENT: No ... Shmi is.
SCOTT: OHHHH ... that Shmi! Gotcha covered. TRENT takes out a vial.
TRENT: Good. A few drops of this in her drink, and then propose a toast, and she’ll be dead before dessert.
SCOTT: Which is a real shame ... wait, you want me to get rid of Shmi?
TRENT: Yes, Shmi. Once you have eliminated Shmi, go to the Jedi Temple just a few blocks south of here and find Master Jedi Jeanette and her apprentice, Kevin. Tell her apprentice to meet me at the Capitol with the frosted tiger animal cookie.
SCOTT: The frosted tiger animal cookie? The cookie that Padme Amidala gave to Anakin Skywalker?
TRENT: The same. Right now it is in the hands of one of our most hated enemies ...
<span style="font-size:36pt;line-height:100%">MASTER WINDOW!!</span>
SCOTT: Master Window? Isn’t he the fat one?
TRENT: Yes. And he has the cookie that is rightfully mine!
SCOTT: I see. And Master ... could you please stop talking in large print, please?
TRENT: Sorry.
SCOTT: Hakuna matata.
TRENT: What?
SCOTT: Ha - ku - na, ma - ta - ta. It means “no worries.”
TRENT: Oh.
SCOTT: Wait a minute ... you’re getting Master Jeanette’s Padawan to do your work for you?
TRENT: In the words of Master Yoda ... always three there are, no more, no less. The master, and his two apprentices.
SCOTT: For some reason, I think you’re a little off.
TRENT: Don’t make me destroy you as I have 269 of your clones.
SCOTT: Very well, Master Candy Cane. I shall report to you from the Capitol. SCOTT leaves, and then TRENT sets up a transmission with GERTRUDE AMIDALA.
KRIS: Greetings, Master Candy Cane.
TRENT: Hello, Kris.
KRIS: Do you have news?
TRENT: I do. Take your army of Cookie Eaters to the Capitol. I have word that Master Window will soon be unleashing ... the frosted tiger animal cookie!
KRIS: Yes!! I love it!!
TRENT: Then go. And ... one more thing.
KRIS (a la Kenton Allred): Ye-e-e-s?
TRENT: Be cute. That way they won’t suspect anything. I MUST have that cookie. </span>
Also, the stage directions were in italics, but I guess all the formatting didn't make it when I transferred the file to this computer.
<span style="color:yellow">******************************
[Main Title, Episode II]
STAR WARS
Episode XXVI
RETURN OF THE COOKIE EATERS
It is again a period of civil war. The Naboo Cookie Eaters have come to the United States and are threatening to steal all of the cookies, even the frosted ones.
This military action, led by Gertrude Amidala of the Naboo (distant cousin of Padme Amidala,) has forced the nation to stop all production of cookies, even the frosted ones.
Jeanette Carver and Kevin Greever, two of a small gathering of Jedi Knights, are headed for Washington, D.C. to start negotations with Amidala and her
clan ...
[Luke and Leia, Episode VI] ~ do not begin dialogue until the main melody begins; stretch the scene until the first main strain of the melody ends
Camera tilts down to the Earth. Scene comes up on the White House, where JEANETTE and KEVIN have just arrived in their shuttle. It is the year 3048. Technology has advanced far beyond what it was in 2002.
JEANETTE: We made it!!
KEVIN: I guess we were wrong. There was no danger after all.
JEANETTE: There’s always danger, Kevin. Sometimes we’re just lucky enough to avoid it.
KEVIN: I wish there were some cookies around. I need some.
JEANETTE: Don’t dwell on your anxieties, Kevin ... keep your concentration on the here and now.
KEVIN: But Master Yoda said we should be mindful of our cravings.
JEANETTE: Master Yoda is no longer alive, my young apprentice. He’s been one with the Force for two hundred thousand years.
KEVIN: I know. But that’s what he told Obi-Wan when he was alive.
JEANETTE: Here comes the President now. Both Jedi Knights kneel down as PRESIDENT SCOTT FECHSER approaches.
[The Walls Converge, Episode IV]
SCOTT: Welcome, my friends. It is an honor to see you again.
KEVIN: And it has been far too long, President Fechser.
JEANETTE: Oh Scott, you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine!!
SCOTT: Thank you, Master Jeanette ... and now I sense you wish to continue your search for the frosted cookies.
KEVIN: Yes, President Fechser.
SCOTT: Patience, my friend. In time, the Cookie Eaters will come to you, and then you must bring them before me.
JEANETTE: They will come to us?
SCOTT: I have foreseen it. Your desire for sugar will be their undoing.
JEANETTE: Very well. We leave in peace. The two Jedi Knights exit. PRESIDENT FECHSER walks back into the White House and into a conference room. DARTH CANDY CANE appears on a television screen in front of the President.
[Victory Celebration, Episode VI] ~ say these lines really fast; you must get to the end of this scene before the kids start singing for full comic effect
SCOTT: What is thy bidding, Master Trent?
TRENT: I am Darth Candy Cane, not Trent!! If you don’t stop calling me Trent, I’m going to kill you and find a new apprentice.
SCOTT: What is thy bidding, Master Trent?
TRENT: Begin apprehending all the Naboo Cookie Eaters. Have them thrown in jail.
SCOTT: My lord, is that ... legal?
TRENT: I will make it legal, President Fechser.
SCOTT: And ... the Jedi?
TRENT: This is impossible!!
SCOTT: Master Trent?
TRENT: I am Darth Candy Cane, and don’t you forget it!! He fires a bolt of frosting toward the President. My name is ... my name is ... my name is Darth Candy Cane!! SCOTT immediately shrivels up and dies, and one of his 7,000,001 clones comes and stands in his place. Kill the Jedi immediately!!
SCOTT: Very well, Master Candy Cane. DARTH CANDY CANE disappears. Your name is Trent. Another bolt of frosting comes from out of nowhere, but the President catches it and eats it. Scene changes to DARTH CANDY CANE’s palace, where he is talking to his associate, GERTRUDE AMIDALA.
TRENT: Well Kris, looks like everything’s under control. Our code names are working well.
KRIS: Great!! Now what should I have the Cookie Eaters do?
TRENT: Not one person sleeps until I have every last cookie in this nation -- even the frosted ones!!
KRIS: My troops are ready.
TRENT: Good, Kris. Wipe them out. All of them.
Scene changes to the White House. LADY LORAJEAN and her husband, the President, are talking.
[Brother, Sister, Father, Son, Episode VI] ~ say these lines slowly ... by the time Lorajean says she’s a clone, the Force Theme melody should be playing
SCOTT: Oh my darling wife ...
LORAJEAN: Oh President ...
SCOTT: Oh Shmi ...
LORAJEAN: Oh Scott ...
SCOTT: Oh Shmi ...
LORAJEAN: Oh Scott ... I'm a clone!!
SCOTT: I am too!! Well, I ... am a clone of myself!!
LORAJEAN: I’m the First Lady. Enter WAITRESS DROID.
WAITRESS DROID: Someone to see you, honey!! Shmigol by the looks of her!! Enter TONI WE, followed by Jedi Padawan KEVIN.
[Cantina Band, Episode IV]
TONI WE: Bilbo, is your father Darth Candy Cane?
SCOTT: Yep.
TONI WE: May we eat him?
SCOTT: Shoo-ah. Dad! Toni We’s hee-ah!! Enter TRENT.
TRENT: Eh, Boba. Go get our cookies and hide them in my bunny suit. Exit WAITRESS DROID.
TONI WE: Bilbo ... this is Jedi Padawan ...
KEVIN: Darth Tyranus. Oops ... did I say that out loud?
SCOTT: Yep.
TONI WE: Shmi? Was your cloning productive?
LORAJEAN: Yep.
KEVIN: Aren’t you afraid someone is going to discover you’re the clone of Shmi Skywalker?
LORAJEAN: I will be. I will be!!
TRENT: Eh, Bilbo ... pack your things. We’re leaving. Don’t forget the cookies, especially not the frosted ones. We have to get to the ship. We have to get to the ship. We have to get to the ship. We have to get to the ship. We have to get to the ship. SCOTT and TRENT leave.
[Love Pledge, Episode II] ~ when Lorajean says she cannot take the cookie, and Kevin says it is his to give, the dramatic phrase of the Love Theme (the part where Anakin and Padme are taken outside) should be playing ... the scene will be over before the Arena music starts
LORAJEAN: Toni We, what did you mean, "Bilbo?"
TONI WE: I think you are a bit ... confused. TONI WE exits the room as well.
LORAJEAN: Yep.
KEVIN: I must go as well. My Master awaits me at the Jedi Temple.
LORAJEAN: Young Padawan, did you not refer to yourself earlier as “Darth Tyranus?”
KEVIN: What is this, a game show? First Bilbo, then Darth Tyranus ...
LORAJEAN: That’s right! Come on down, you’re the next contestant on ... She falls to the ground. Squank!
KEVIN: I was just reciting my Jedi history, that’s all. He takes a cookie out of his pocket and hands it to LORAJEAN. Take this cookie. I must give it to you.
LORAJEAN: Mmm ... tasty, this cookie looks. Wait ... I cannot take this cookie from you!
KEVIN: It is mine to give! ... like my heart. LORAJEAN eats the cookie and runs away. Jedi are not allowed to fall in love. Attachment is forbidden ... possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love ... essential to a Sith’s -- I mean, a Jedi’s -- life. He takes another cookie out of his pocket and stares at it with longing.
Scene fades out and then goes back to the White House, where the Sith Lord DARTH CANDY CANE, otherwise known as TRENT, is meditating.
TRENT: Scott! Scott!! Where are you? The President enters the room.
SCOTT: Greetings, Master Trent.
TRENT: I am Darth Candy Cane, you strange piece of green aluminum pastry!! He shoots bolts of frosting out of his fingers, and SCOTT shrivels up and dies. Timing -- thirteen ... twelve ... eleven ... ten ... seven ... six ... five ... four ... three ... two ... one ... NOW!! He waits a few more seconds, and then another clone of SCOTT appears. Aaarrgghhh ... counting in Huttese never did me any good.
SCOTT: Hello, Master Candy Cane!!
TRENT: Hello, President.
SCOTT: May I ... have one of your cookies? I’m awfully hungry. The Sith Lord shoots bolts of frosting again, and within moments another clone of SCOTT is standing in the place of the one he just destroyed. TRENT licks his fingers.
TRENT: Mmm ... tasty this is, yes.
SCOTT: What is thy bidding, Master Trent? TRENT moves as if he’s going to zap this clone too, but then he changes his mind.
TRENT: If I keep destroying my clones, I’ll have none left!
SCOTT: What is thy bidding, Master Trent?
TRENT: You will refer to me as ...
<span style="font-size:36pt;line-height:100%">DARTH CANDY CANE!!!</span>
Do I make myself clear, President?
SCOTT: Yes, Master Candy Cane ... loud, clear, and ... large! What is thy bidding, Master Candy Cane?
TRENT: New orders, President Fechser. The clone of Shmi must be destroyed.
SCOTT: Shmi?
TRENT: Shmi.
SCOTT: Shmi? Who is Shmi?
TRENT: Shmi. I am telling you ... Shmi!
SCOTT: Shmi as in Shmi.
TRENT: Yes ... SHMI!!
SCOTT: Wait a minute ... do you mean ... SHMI?
TRENT: Yes ... Shmi.
SCOTT: Oh ... ex-Shmize me.
TRENT: Shmi! You’re not listening!
SCOTT: Who is this Shmi?
TRENT: Shmi. The woman who worked with monkeys when she was little.
SCOTT: The monkey’s his uncle?
TRENT: No ... Shmi is.
SCOTT: OHHHH ... that Shmi! Gotcha covered. TRENT takes out a vial.
TRENT: Good. A few drops of this in her drink, and then propose a toast, and she’ll be dead before dessert.
SCOTT: Which is a real shame ... wait, you want me to get rid of Shmi?
TRENT: Yes, Shmi. Once you have eliminated Shmi, go to the Jedi Temple just a few blocks south of here and find Master Jedi Jeanette and her apprentice, Kevin. Tell her apprentice to meet me at the Capitol with the frosted tiger animal cookie.
SCOTT: The frosted tiger animal cookie? The cookie that Padme Amidala gave to Anakin Skywalker?
TRENT: The same. Right now it is in the hands of one of our most hated enemies ...
<span style="font-size:36pt;line-height:100%">MASTER WINDOW!!</span>
SCOTT: Master Window? Isn’t he the fat one?
TRENT: Yes. And he has the cookie that is rightfully mine!
SCOTT: I see. And Master ... could you please stop talking in large print, please?
TRENT: Sorry.
SCOTT: Hakuna matata.
TRENT: What?
SCOTT: Ha - ku - na, ma - ta - ta. It means “no worries.”
TRENT: Oh.
SCOTT: Wait a minute ... you’re getting Master Jeanette’s Padawan to do your work for you?
TRENT: In the words of Master Yoda ... always three there are, no more, no less. The master, and his two apprentices.
SCOTT: For some reason, I think you’re a little off.
TRENT: Don’t make me destroy you as I have 269 of your clones.
SCOTT: Very well, Master Candy Cane. I shall report to you from the Capitol. SCOTT leaves, and then TRENT sets up a transmission with GERTRUDE AMIDALA.
KRIS: Greetings, Master Candy Cane.
TRENT: Hello, Kris.
KRIS: Do you have news?
TRENT: I do. Take your army of Cookie Eaters to the Capitol. I have word that Master Window will soon be unleashing ... the frosted tiger animal cookie!
KRIS: Yes!! I love it!!
TRENT: Then go. And ... one more thing.
KRIS (a la Kenton Allred): Ye-e-e-s?
TRENT: Be cute. That way they won’t suspect anything. I MUST have that cookie. </span>